PAGE -8, WEDNESDAY MARCFI 5. 1980, WHITBY FREE PRESS Between You andMe By RUTH CHAMBERSJ This week I bad an interesting and informative chat witb Jobn P. Town, soni of John R. Town, Witby's funeral director. Jobn iw a flrst year student in Funeral Service Education at Humber College. He bas written an exceptionally good article published in Canadian F'uneral Director entitled, "How the Traditional Funeral Effects the Family and Public" whicb won an award for the best essay written by a first year student. Tbe following is a quotation John used in the last paragrapb of bis essay, "The funeral is not a public display but a group sharîng deep sorrows of some of its number," by Paul E. Irion. In the past few years many people have given rnuch thought to changing the traditional pattern. This sometimes has left a lot to be desired and now people are asking questions about the why4nd wherefores. Views vary from person to person and for tffany reasons. The general concensus is that funerals are very necessary and are a part of the recovery which the family and friends must go tbrough. The sbock of deatb is a numbing, stunning thing wbich bas to be experienced to be understood. This applies whatever the cause, an accident, sudden heart attack or in the death of someone wbo has had a terminal illness. Every living tbing bas access to the strength it needs. The grief process begins and is lessened by the act of having a funeral. The farnily has to cope witb the reality and this can be the beginning of acceptance of the deatb. %tMSV . MA 1 1 . - 1 j COURTICE ALLIN PHARMACY 117 Brock St. N. 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I By CRYSTAL REILLY Social Planning Cotuacil Dr. Mary O'Brien, co- founder of the Feminist Par- ty of Canada and assistant professor in sociology in education, Ontario Institute for Studies on Education, wil be speaking at the an- nual meeting of the Social Planning Council of Osbawa- Whitby on "The effects of the Women's Movernent on the Family. " Dr. O'Brien immigrated to Canada from the United Kingdom in 1957. For many years sbe worked in the various fields of nursing. Hçwever, in 1970 she returned to university receiving many prizes, scholarships and fellowships culmin.tîng in a doctorate in poica. 'ience by 1976. In addition to many con- ference papers' of an academic nature she has given numerous public lec- tures at universities both in Canada and the United States and to community groups 0f women. Such journals as the In- ternational Womnen's Studies Journal, Canadian Womnen's Studies and Canadian Newsletter for Research on Women bave also published many of her papers and ar- ticles. Dr. Mary O'Brien is a feminist and for the mem- bers of the Social Planning council of Oshawa-Wbitby and the interested public she will be speaking at the YM- CA, 199 Centre Street South, Oshawa, at 7:30 p.m., Tuesday, March 4,1980. BRIAN DEMOAN DENTURE THERAPY CLINIC HARWOOD PLACE MALL 683m6074 Children generally learn about death when a pet dies or if they corne across a dead bird or animal outside. In the case of a pet, a cerernony, a prayer and a burial are things children can relate to:-This bas a great deal 0f meaning to a child and tbey become involved. They say a child's grief is lessened, even a very young child by being present at a funeral and par- ticipating as part of tbe family. If tbe participants have faitb and a religious bellef this cornes to their aid and gives them great comfort. The ritual, the music and the words are a solace; they feel tbey are not alone. For non-believers witb any backgroung of religion at ail in their lives it generally cornes to the fore if only for tbe moment to comfort them. Their lives may be gently touched by something stronger than tbemselves. "No man is an islalid unto himself." No matter how private a person may be he touches the lives of otbers throughout bis 111e. He did exist and this must be recognized whicb is done by having a funeral. When somneone dies, friends and relatives congregate to lend care and support to the bereaved. It gives people who are unknown to the family a chance to pay tbeir respects and become involved if they are needed. The grief process goes tbrough ten stages. Visitation witb tbe casket open is often the first actual direct confrontation with the deat.b. To sorne this aspect of the traditional funeral is tbe most valuable and helps in recovery from grief. I think this is a very personal thing and rnaybe not all of us feel it necessary except for the immediate family. Circumnstances differ for everyone as peoples' reactions vary from person to person. I arn told that people somnetimes have a very difficult time accepting reality when there is no funeral. Sorne time later, often many weeks, the realization of deatb and the acceptance of sucb is stil 50 difficult because tbey did not go througb the usual ritual. Often and usually after a deatb and in the case of busband or wife, depression sets in, often panic; they cannot go back nor can tbey think of going forward. A deep sense 0of loss, a void in tbeir 111e, sometimes anger, a very real anger and total con- fusion. Men often suffer intensely; tbey bold back their emotions, try to carry on often with the added burden of young ones wbo must be cared for and confronted too. They often need ad- ditional support and this can be found in programs such as Bereaved Families of Ontario. Too, there is a Widow to Widow Program, botb largely set up by funeral directors who felt tbere was such a need in helping organizations. Europeans give way to tbeir grief; this is part of their culture even after many years away from their homeland. This is most therapeutic and beneficial which belps tbe recovery process a great deal. Many people neyer recover frorn guit after a death, especially in the case o f an accident or a sudden heart attack, There is no going back, the person is gone forever and arnends can neyer be made. So tbougbtless words and careless deeds can wreck havoc witb peoples' ernotional stability and their future life is spent with great remorse. Suicide too can cause untol grief in a family and terrible recrirnination. Maybe futile because no matter v. hat the cir- cumstances there may flot bave been an answer. As with everything in life, sbaring is important. "Grief shared is grief diminisbed." As someone said once, "time is but a circle, birth and deatb are one, the only consequence is beauty that one gathers in this interlude called life." Socia»l plalanning annual meeting Fimeral necessary part of recovery for hbereaved 'faniily and friends Q -W-13 %% momop, 1%