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WHJlTBY FREE PRESS, WEDNESDAY, JULY 19, 1989, PAGE 5 t l7r. -or .- Summer is for detective stories. Eacli hero has quirk8, but most love a jar. Meet a new character in detective fiction, Alfalfa Clone: Clone buddles bis frame bebind the wheel of the rented Lada. Four hours, and notbing. He reaches for CléIonýe swishes it, mixing the vodka and chopped salami. The jar is bis protection against boredom. He bas been veiy bored. Ini the window of the third floor walkup, shadows appear and disappear. The apartment belongs te, Lotta Leggs, receptionist for H.B. Ranch ic. Clone is investigating stock fraud. He'l stay here ail night until sometbing happens. He takes another drink and smnacks bis lips. By the time the explosion rips open the whole third floor, Clone is sound asleep with bis head on the dash. Small cars and vodka do thiat te hlm. Next day, bis boss ribs bim. "Can't take the jar anymore, eh?" she says. Clone's bss is Scbardra .Hotstuft; who by day passes as a vicious, sbe-yuppie, but by might eats streets dogs and onion rings witb Clone. For four years their affair bas been a secret, te fifteen detectives in the same office. "A niild miscalculation," he says, laughing, lighting his tenth cigarette and opening bis fifth inid-morning beer.1 "'Anyway, l'il wrap this thing up -in two weeks." "Never seen you take that long witb a case of beer," she says, turning. Before she has stepped out the door. Clone's forehead slams against the desk. 'I)amn," she says. Back in ber own office she calîs the Clinic. "Corne'n get bini," she says. "Again." By noon the Clinic bas carted away Clone. In bis Place they have propped up an identical twin. I-s naxne is Clover Clone. He bas just returned from six months at the Clinic. WITH OUR FEET UP by Bill Swan "Go gettim, Tiger," Hotstuff says, poking ber head in the doorway. "Glad te bave someoe sober." But the new Clone is rnixing a jar for the night's stakeout. Hé has lined up six empty beers, leftover fromn an early lunch. 'Promised A]falfaîIwould crack this case,"< be says, pointing to the two-four on the floor. "Just be careful. The last one cracked bim." 'Yeab, but if he hadn't been crocked, that explosion would have illed him. The jar saved bis life." "Just keep the juices fiowing. Tonightý at your place?" Clone's third-floor apartment bas a small table near wbat passes for the kitchen sink. Two chairs, one with a broken leg, leart against it. A single mattress al but covers the floor. 'Tou sure know how to eat," says Hotstuff. "Ail in knowing the deli,". replies Clone. The two have devoured a jar of bot pickles, two street botdogs, a basket of garlic bread, three steamed caterpillars, a bowl of leftover lasagna and a dish of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Clone pours white wine into two peanut butter jars. - "Hgere's to what we can't mention in a faniily. newspap-r,'* he says.- "Cheers." "So you think I manipuiated my own'stock, do you?" Tne speaker is H.B. Sauce, owner of the Ranch. "That's what we got," says Clone, accepting the drink offered him. "Hey! This ain't no double! Corne on! Don't be so cheap." Sauce tops up the drink with five fingers of scotch. "That's better." So"says Sauce after a pause, "what makes you think it was me?" Clone shrugs. "Couldn'ta been your receptionist. She didn't even offer me a drink before she was offed. Who else would set her up like thatZ" "Care for another drink?" "Why not? Thaes good stuif Shay, clid I 'ver tell ya yer a good. sorta guy?" I "Look, Clone, why don't you keep the whole bottie?" "Sure, sure. But don't tbink you kmn drunk me up ler anythin. At my office we got twelve Clones .to send afier you, one aller'tother. We neyer sleep." 'Tou mean. .." »Thash right. Ju like in the song. Send in the Clones." Wfith tÏhauthe slithers to the floor and-a familiar oblivion. The cart from the Clinic arrives-shortly after. Next day at the office, Schardra Hotstuff pokes ber. head into Clone's office. "You must be the new one. .Timothy, right?" "fyou say 80." "Have you read the file on tbis one? We're getting oc close. Just try to stay a little sober, eh?" "Just like a woman. Tirin' te reform ya. Next it'll be'-- a diet. Then exercise. And thewardrobe. Forget it,"ý lady." He opens the Ranch file and snaps open 'a beer. Vust et m do m joJ "Just let me do xny job." She called the Climc shortly ~fter lunch. N shrub t Sum mer is here, and it's lime for our annuàl IEvrFêênand Shrub' bonanzal Sa clean out the trunk, dust off the trailer, load* up the kids-and head for Brouwers. Chances are you wan't be able ta, resist our home-grown trees and shrubs, and your kids wilI love a ur ducks, geese, A ~swans and animais.. 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