WIUTDY FMEPS, WEDNESDAY 4PRIL 12, 1989, PAGE 5 L-et us suppose, for the sake cf conversation, that we were te talk about wallpaper. Wallpaper cornes in many shapes and sizes, some cf it in huge sample volumes that certain types of people like te look at for heurs and days on end. We will make ne disparaging remarks about these inds of people, who in some other ways are normal. They are similar to people who hunt for Christmas trees in a cut-yonr-own lot. However, Christmas tree lots are located outdoors, in arctic temperatures. Searching for anything under such conditions has a built-in tume limit. Wallpaper saniple books should always be shown outdoors only in winter, for the the sanie reasons. Samples passed by early in the hunt would take on attractions after forty minutes cf fiipping cold. Oh, sure, some of you wiil insist that the built-in ciscomforts in wallpaper stores -- the backless chairs, the awkward height cf sample tables, the lack cf bar rail te place your foot on at those tables -- have the sanie effect. Te you I say, paste your own, buddy. The chairs, the height of tables, etc., lnay be toc short for you but fit perfectly for these who organize wallpaper But enough of that. Assume for a moment that a relationship withstands the search for the right pattern. ("How do you think this would look?" ":Hey! Great! I love it. Now let's just ... "But then there's this one. How do you think they'd gtogether?" "On the sanie wall? I thought a bit of wainscottingjust se high, and then I leave you te figure eut who ends up insta]ling the wainscetting. And it. doesn't even corne pre-pasted.) As I was saying, let us take this wallpaper home and put it te work. First, home decorating projects take at least five times longer than planned. This is an immutable law. For example, yeu estimate this room will take five heurs te wallpaper. You, there, smartass, weuld WITH OUR FEET UP by Bill Swan Perils of papern g multiply the estimate by five and think you have gotten around Swan7s law? I feel sonry for yen, and the one hundred and twenty five heurs of papering you face. Second: dondt paper stucco ceilings. Dont ask. The wailpapering itself should be a relatively simple job. Gather your teols about: scissors, wallpaper knife, smeother, spenge, tape measure, steol, wallpaper try ... ('Wailpaper tray?" "Tou mean yen, didn't get one?" "Yen said we had one at home." "Sa, where is it?" I used it te seed geraniums. I can dlean it out if yeu want."e "Don't bother.") Upon returning from the supply store, you assemble your tools. F111 the brand-new tray with lukewarm water. Cnt the first piece of paper. Rum it smoothly' through the tray, carefully dripping the water on the nearby rug so you will forever enjoy the stain to malce this occasion. <"Oh, yes, that was the time we..." Adjust the paper to the wall, lining it up with the plumb limes, smoothing out the bubbles, trimrning top and bottom. For those who forgo plumb limes, eyeball it. There! Isn't that going to look nice? mine a whole rooni dene like that. This isn't going ta tae as long as we thougt. (Ha!) Quickly cut the next few sheets, slap them up ini similar fashion. It is best to work along a bare wall for the first couple of ralse, so you build up a rhythm. Got it? New that you've invested four hours and two double roils of paper, it is tinie ta assess your werk. Important point: is the pattern hangfing right side. up? This seems basic, but believe it or not, even experienced hangers have made this mistake. Forgive them. Purists wiil be tempted to redo the whole room, but this is flot necesay Inverting a few other visual elements in the rooni - hangx a few pictures upside down, for instance -- will fool the eye into overlookcing such a minior lapse. Improvise. Little else need beknw to cemplete the job. However, a few tricks I discovered recently might make your job easier: * avoid stepping into the water tray; it bends the carboard; * stay five feet back of other people wielding wallpaper knives; * den't let eblldren help. Three-year-olds have much enthusiasm but little sense cf where to trixn; * disconnect the proper fuse before- papering over receptacles. For further information, watch for my* forthconiing book, Pre-paste.k an intimate look at the dangesof mixing alcohol and wailpaper paste. ]Resident receives burris timatres fire A 78-year-old Whitby man was taken te Whitby General Hospi- tal with burns te, his hands and face after a mattress fire at 915 Green St. last Thursday. Durham Regional Police say Frank Dawson, received the burns when he attempted te put eut the fire in an upstairs room of the house. Damage is estimated at $6,000. Dawsen is Iisted in satis- factory cendition at Whitby General Hospital. PIiando4ALO i 100,e000 SPRING BULB & TULIPS TULIP FESTIVAL APRIL 29 to MAY 22 CuLLN GARDENS & MIlNIATUIRE VILLAGE TAUNTON RD., WHITBY LOOK FOR OUR FREE FEATURE GUIDE. Ail ABOUT CULLEN GA1IDENS IN TMi ISSUEs THEN PLAN TO COME OUT AND VISIT USTUEAL SOON"