WHITBY FREE PRESS, WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 9,1988, PAGE 5 Once upon a time a person invented fire and civilization began. Maybe not right away, mind you; perhaps first she/he had to construct a few fast food places, some of which are still standing today. But the die was cast. Ailer fire came home cooking, and shortly after that burnt crusts and the hearth. At the same time, industrial development proceeded from stone to bronze to iron to steel to brass. It is this latter stage about which we wish to talk today, especially in connection with our topic. (Fire). Originally, the invention of fire brought the discovery of wood as a fuel, along with wood stoves, fire wood, the chopping block and kindling. Later, someone discovered coal, which was made of black rocks. Coal gave rise to the scuttle, which hadn't yet been brassed. Coal was relatively easy to use, compared with wood, since it did not have to be split, cut or chain-sawed. It did require enormous piles to be stocked in the recreation room, which also had not yet been invented. When it was, homeowners converted to oil and later gas, both of which eliminated the storage of fuel and waste products. Later, someone invented electric heat, which was cleaner, quieter and safer than anything to date. Hydro companies then invented the hydro bill. After seeing one of these, man then went out and re-invented the wood stove, the wood pile and the chopping block. Once brass was invented, and fire too, it was only inevitable that population increase (or decrease, take your pick) would give rise to yuppies. And yuppies, besides inventing the BMW, diversified and found new things to attach brass to. First they tried putting brass on burnt crusts, but although this made crusts durable, the taste remained WITH OUR by Bill Swan Cord con on the cold side. Since the bronze age had already coated baby booties (and since this wasn't yet a baby-booty boom) yuppies also tried cork walls, bronze mail boxes, slate roofs and ceramic floor tiles. Never mind that previous generations had been there before; most of taking credit for something lies solely in marketing skills and yuppies did, after all, perfect marketing even if they didn't exactly invent it. But as we have said, fire had already been invented; so had pokers and fire tongs. The natural course, then insisted that yuppies put brass on stoves and pokers and ash buckets. So realistic were such artifacts, that more than one slob actually tried to use such items for their intended purpose. Imagine the scene: 'Who put these ashes in my new brass ash bucket?" "T" was I, dear. But I will empty ... "But now it's dirty!" 9 Town gives warning to homeowners about fence construction By Debbie Luchuk Many residents in new subdi- visions in Whitby have paid mon- ey upfront for fencing from a local company but have yet to see any fence construction since paying the money. Don Intine, municipal law enforcement officer in Whitby, told The Free Press that a fenc- ing company, which he would not identify, had gone door to door, offering to put up fences for "cheap prices." "The downpayments were made, and the company did half of the fences. No one has seen them since," rntine said. Down- ayments were from $200 to 800. Phone calls were made to a Bowmanville number, but none were returned, and Intine said ho believes the company operates out of Toronto. Durham Regional Police are investigating the matter, and residents who suspect that they have been done out of money by the fencing company or want to place a report, are advised to call police headquarters. Investigation will probably take two weeks, Intine said. More information can also be received from the Town works de artment, through Intine. e said that residents should not pAy out any money for work or products until~they have fully investigated the company. "We're hoping the guy's legit and that people will get the fences. If he's not legit, (recom- pense) depends on how the police go at it." Cenotaph names to be used for streets Whitby council has agreed to use the names on the cenotaph as names for new Whitby streets. The move was proposed by regional councillor Tom Edwards and was unanimously endorseu by council at its last meeting before the election. Councillor Joe Bugelli also suggested that poppies be added to the street signs. According to Whitby historian, Brian Winter, there are 40 names of Whitby residents on the cenotpah who were killed in the First World War and 31 names of those killed. in The Second World War. Imagine the future without quality representation: On November 14,Vote Cath Rowell East Ward Councillor m "With ashes! It's an ash bucket. And Ill empty .. Wearing slightly used brass ash buckets as make-shift helmets never did catch on as a yuppie item, but a few instances have been recorded. The re-invention of fire wood also saw the re-emergence of the cont man, a self-reliant son-of-a-gun who thrives on outwitting people with more money than brains. "I'd like to order a cord of wood, please." 'Will that be bush or face." "I beg pardon?" "A bush cord or a face cord, sir; which will it be?" "Gee, I dunno . . ." 'Well, a bush cord you find in the bush and a face cord will face you in your driveway when you come home, guv.- Thus, people who don't know cubic feet from square heads pay $220 for trees that died last week of natural causes. Firewood also must be cured. Technically,- this means that it should be cut last February and stored in the July sun before it can be burned successfully this winter. Ask a con man, however, and you learn that seasoned firewood consists of anything that has somehow stopped sprouting sometime in the past week. Those who burn firewood should also be wary of Creosote. Creosote is a little known tribe of native Canadians who claim ownership to all of southwestern Ontario. Militants of the group are known to scour the subdivisions, setting chimneys afire. (The foregoing is taken from my new book, Brass Monkeys, A history of the ash pile, or How the World Got all Balled Up.)