PAGE 6, THURSDAY, AUGUST, 16, 1973. WHiTBY FREE PRESS BIRD 'S EVE VIEW byJi nmeieit DON'T DARKEN MY DOOR I've been having these terrible nightmares lately about stepping out the door on the way to work and being eaten by a giant sale flier. In my dreams these fliers lurk in wait in my hedge or around the corner, just out of sight, with a single sentry posted inside the wrought iron railing on the porch. It's terrifying, no matter where I look there is a sale flier, a free offer or some other form of junk mail and they're all just waiting to pounce on me and drain my pocket of hard earned sheckels. be worst of it is that last week I realized my dreams are becoming reality. I didn't notice the giant flier of my dreams but I did find junk mail lurking all over the front year in different hiding places. Sometimes the odd piece will go under the hedge and dry out there and I don't notice it until I'm cutting the lawn when all of a sudden WHAP! The lawnmower hits it and the air is filled with confetti. In the meantime I'm laying on the lawn having a cardiac arrest because I was completely unprepared for the noise and the paper confetti that closely followed the loud noise. Hitting the paper is nerve wracking enough but have you ever spent an entire Sunday afternoon sitting around on your front lawn picking up 20,000 small pieces of some ·crummy flier? I have been very tempted at times to send each and every piece back to it's origin ... collect. Of course the reason I get all this junk mail and fliers is because I must be on every sucker list in Canada and the northern USA. Mind you I have been known to buy some rather weird things but that doesn't mean I buy them all the time. I get junk mail and fliers selling everything from cosmetics to Worid War 11 surplus first aid kits. From the World of Beauty I get mail on how to keep my eyelashes kissing pretty. Can't you see it, some lovely young thing dashes up to me on the street and says, "Oh my, you are just so handsome and virile I can't resist passionately kissing you on your eyelashes." I may be kinky but I don't get particularly turned on by a wet smooch on the eyelashes. Of course from the girl's point of view its easier to find my eyelashes than to find my lips hiding in all those chin whiskers but the whole thing is academic because nobody rushes up to me on the street anyway except my creditors. I get fliers about sale prices on 200,000 board feet of lumber. What the heck am I going to do with that much lumber? Or better still, how am I going to pay for it? ln the summer and the fall I don't get leaves forming swirlpools around the hedges but I do get sheets and sheets of junk mail merrily floating in the breeze. In 11w takes you right to the EX. AIR CONDITIONED BUS-TRAIN SERVICE GO Buses leaving every hour, connecting with GO Trains at Pickering Station. FIRST BUS One hour earlier, Saturdays & Labour Day Oshawa Downtown Terminal Oshawa GO Terminal 401 & Simcoe Whitby GO Terminal 401 & Brock Ajax Shopping Centre 8:20 a.m. 8:27 a.m. 8:34 a.m. 8:42 a.m. Arriving Exhibition hourly from 9:48 a.m. RETURN TRIPS leaving Exhibition Station hourly until 12 midnight. Whitby Agency Highway 2 Buses at 8:30, 9:30,10:30,11:30 a.m. and 5:30 p.m. Connecting with GO Trains at Pickering Station. No service via Pickering Village. No Sunday service via Hwy. 2. RETURN TRIPS leaving Exhibition Station hourly starting at 4:00 p.m. until 12 midnight. Sunday homebound connections with trains leaving Exhibition at 4:00 and 5:00 p.m. and from 9:00 p.m. to midnight. For further information cali GO Transit 942-2000 Whitby f68-3675 Oshawa 723-2241 Ajax 942-4281 Pickering 942-4261 Government of Ontario Transit Ministry of Transportation and Communications Operated by CN, Gray Coach Lines and Travelways At the EX: Visit the Automotive Building to see Ontario's future in urban transportation. M the summér you can't see the flowers for the gathering mess of fliers and sale papers. But the worst is hitting them with the lawnmower. I'm nervous about that lawnmower at the best of times because as I once mentioned it is very independent and I know one day it will bite me. In the meantime it delights with smashing into a sale paper with the greatest of gusto and scaring the you know what right out of me. My nerves just can't take it any more. According to the fliers I'm bald, have bad breath, my teeth are falling out, r have the heartbreak of sciriosis, my driveway is badly in need of paving and I am going to build the equivalent of the Empire State building with cedar wood. So which one of you told them? Now listen junk mail people and flier distributors ... contrary to what you're thinking I do not enjoy walking out the door to work and having a pitched battle with three fliers wrapped around my ankles. And because I'm on all your sucker lists my mail man hates me as he has to haul them to my door step. One of these nights that giant flier will get me and l'il probably get so excited Il fall off the bed in my sleep and do myself a terrible injury. What do you want a bet the next morning there are a half dozen fliers at my door from drug companies. En I!~I 1913 1Toyeurs VOLKSWA@EN SALES & SERVICE Good selection of new and used -Basline 2d, mile east of Harwood IN AJAX OPEN TILL 9.00 P.M. Mon-Thurs. 942-1401 8 /4 % 3-4-5- years 2 years 81/2% i year 81/4% Canada PermanentTrust CANADA PERMANENT MORTGAGE CORPORATION 22 King St. W., Oshawa Phone 728-9482 are now paying Canâda Permanent Debentures and Guaranteed Certificates i