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w at er lo oc hr on ic le .c a W at er lo o C hr on ic le | T hu rs da y, Ju ly 14 ,2 02 2 | 6 ABOUT US This newspaper, published every Thursday, is a division of the Metroland Media Group Ltd., a wholly-owned subsidiary of Torstar Corporation. The Metroland family of newspapers is comprised of more than 70 community publications across Ontario. This newspaper is a member of the National NewsMedia Council. Complainants are urged to bring their concerns to the attention of the news- paper and, if not satisfied, write The National NewsMedia Council, Suite 200, 890 Yonge St., Toronto, ON M4W 2H2. Phone: 416-340-1981 Web: www.mediacouncil.ca editorial@waterloochronicle.ca facebook.com/waterloochronicle @wlchronicle WHO WE ARE VP, Regional Publisher Donna Luelo Director of Content Lee Ann Waterman Regional General Manager Nelson Parreira Regional Director of Media Heather Dunbar Advertising Representatives Fran Hendry, Katrina Anderson, Jan Bodanka, Matt Miller, Lisa Humphreys, Cassandra Dellow, Zaid Shahabuddin, Managing Editor Robyn Wilkinson Online Editor Loraine Centeno News Editor Ned Bekavac Reporter Bill Jackson Director Creative Services Katherine Porcheron CONTACT US Waterloo Chronicle 219 Labrador Dr. Suite 203, Waterloo, On., N2K 4M8 Phone: 519-886-2830 Web: www.waterloochronicle.ca Letters to the editor All letters must be fewer than 320 words and include your name and telephone number for verification purposes. We reserve the right to edit, condense or reject letters. Published letters will appear in print and/or online at waterloochronicle.ca Delivery For all delivery inquiries, e-mail customerservice@metroland.com or call 519-894-3000. OPINION TO LEARN HOW TO SUBMIT YOUR OWN CONTENT VISIT WATERLOOCHRONICLE.CA "Your son is transgen- der," a co-worker said the other day. "Would you mind if I asked you a couple of questions?" These kind of interac- tions make me slightly un- comfortable but it's proba- bly not for the reason you think. I'm perfectly happy to discuss my son, who was born female but now identi- fies as male. But as a straight, white, middle- aged, suburban dude I am not an expert on LGTBQ2S+ issues and I don't even play one on TV (or in the newspaper). For many of my friends and co-workers, however, my experience as a parent of a queer kid makes me an easy viewport into a com- munity they may have lim- ited experience with. So I usually just laugh and say, "Sure." In this particular case, my co-worker wanted to know how they should re- fer to a former colleague. They identified as female when they were employed at our company but had since transitioned. When discussing their time at the company should they use the old name and pronouns or the new name and pro- nouns? My answer was straight- forward: in every situation, use the gender, name and pronouns the person is us- ing now. My son, for exam- ple, had a birth name and was referred to with female pronouns for the first 12 years of his life. The last four, he has used the name he chose and male pro- nouns. But when we refer to his childhood, we use his current name and pro- nouns. I think about it like this: my son has always been male, he was just born with female body parts. So even when he was using his birth name and female pro- nouns, he was still male -- it just took him a minute to figure that out and find the courage to express it, then live it. Yes, he is very brave. My colleague nodded thoughtfully when I offered my explanation. "That makes sense," he said. His question was coming from a good place, a desire to un- derstand, learn and change how he used the language to be more inclusive. Occasionally, I'll hear or read the occasional com- ment that using the right name or pronouns is hard or confusing. I understand that change can be chal- lenging but language has always evolved to better re- present society. In the '90s, I learned to stop using "po- liceman" and "fireman" be- cause they were gender- specific and not all cops are dudes. We don't speak and write like they did in Shakespearean times be- cause things change and that's good. My teenaged son deals with these issues every day, often under far less agree- able circumstances. Kids who don't understand something often either a) lash out or b) make fun and that makes my trans son an easy target in the gauntlet of teenaged awfulness that can be high school. And yet, even the worst of the straight boys -- and yes, they are almost always boys -- will sometimes find a quiet moment to ask my son questions about these issues: their bullying often comes from ignorance, that colossal teenage fear being wrong and looking stupid. They too will sometimes nod thoughtfully and some- times, just sometimes, their behaviour will change. Questions are good and making mistakes is part of the process and there needs to be room for both those things. I still occasionally misgender my son though less and less with each passing day. I'm learning and grow- ing and I'm so grateful he's given me the space to do that -- no matter how hard and painful it's been for him. And if he can teach me, then I can do my best to help others. I'm not an ex- pert: I'm just the proud Dad of a trans son trying to make the world a little bit more accepting. Got a question about parenting a trans kid you want to ask? Email Drew at drew@drewedwards.ca. I'M NO EXPERT, JUST THE PROUD DAD OF A TRANS SON DREW EDWARDS Column "Family secrets" is a well-known phrase used to describe what goes on be- hind closed doors in many homes. Family has a way of drawing out of us the very best and the very worst of our behaviours. Let's face it, domestic violence makes up almost a quarter of all violent acts reported to police; that has to say something given that over 70 per cent of all domestic violence goes unreported. Since most of our time is spent with family, it only makes sense that there is more opportunity for emo- tional distress within that setting. Then again, perhaps it is that familiarity breeds trust and, hence, we are prone to lifting the filters of civility we use outside our homes to be a bit more hon- est, or mean, inside our homes. In fairness, we also love more unconditionally within our families. As a career educator, I spent a significant amount of time in what I would classify as family counsel- ling. Parents often came to see me to deal with a child at home who was nothing like the child we dealt with at school. Similarly, although less frequently, young people approached me with sto- ries about their parents that came as a complete surprise to me. Although every situa- tion had its own unique qualities there were also similarities in dysfunction- al family situations. In most cases, communica- tion had broken down. There was often a lot of talking/yelling going on but very little listening. Hard positions were taken by both sides and, like smoke in a forest, often led to sudden and dramatic crises. With each blowout a longer and longer list of re- sentments, acts of disre- spect and emotionally hurtful expressions pro- vided ammunition for the next such blowout. It could easily become a tornado of frustration and interper- sonal intolerance and more than a few families found themselves splint- ered for years after such experiences. We don't choose our family and within families there are plenty of diverse personalities that can clash, so it is inevitable that rifts are going to occur in some. Still, those broken fami- lies should be the rare ex- ception. For most, the flip side of having a close and supportive family is essen- tial to long-term stability and mental health. Ensur- ing that list of resentments remains short and is ad- dressed quickly and openly requires parents to some- times say less and listen more. It doesn't mean par- ents have to roll over and capitulate to every whim or demand a child has but it does mean emotions need to be managed and discus- sions need to centre around issues not personal qualities. There are many re- sources to help families who are struggling with in- fighting and the family doctor or the school can of- ten provide lists of such re- sources in the community. It may be difficult to bring those family secrets out in- to the open but it is essen- tial to maintaining the fam- ily trust necessary to keep a family together. Graham Hookey is the author of "Parenting Is A Team Sport" and can be reached at ghookey@ya- hoo.com. THE EMOTIONAL LANDMINES OF FAMILY GRAHAM HOOKEY Column