The following text may have been generated by Optical Character Recognition, with varying degrees of accuracy. Reader beware!

é‘ | every Wednesday by the Fairway Group, owned by CityMedia Group Inc., a subsidiary of Torstar Corp. The ( content of this paper is protected by copyright and may be used only for personal nonâ€"commercial purposes All other rights are reserved and _ commercial use is profubited. To make use of this matenal you must first obtain the perinission of the owner of the copyright editorial@waterloochronicle.ca sports@waterloochronicle.ca sales@waterloochronicle.ca composing@waterloochronicle.ca The Waterloo Chronicle is published WATERLOO CHRONICLE The views of our columnists are their own and do not necessarily represent those of the newspaper. 279 Weber St., North, Suite 20 Waterloo, Ontario N2J 3H8 Phone: 886â€"2830 Fax: 886â€"9383 Group Publisher | Group Sales Director{ syined with narme address amd prine number and wall he certhied tor mnourans. No unsigned betrers will I published Submissians mss be edited fee lerigth: so plcase be hn t Copynghit in hetrers and efticr mearenals submitted to the Publisher rad accopted bur priblicatiner remitins sottertic ssithee. tur Pee pabisber anc is hecusees may freely cepeetice then in printefectromm n utlier formis Orar imathing achitress s 120 Webier St 8 Unin 26 Waterioc: NT LR anadian Publications Mail Sales Prod uct Agreeaient Number Manager, Ext. 230 _ Sales, Ext. 223 Ext. 210 Kob Leus« hner Dwayne Weidendort Andrea Bailey Bob Vrhanac Editor, Ext. 215 . Sports Editor, Ext. 229 Intessatinnal Standard Serial Number Th Waterioe t herimele swck www waterloochronicle.ca Lynn Bartol Gerry Mattice Norma Cyca Bob Zarzvcki Enc Habich Letters Policy ISSN DH32â€"34 10 the Emt Phex sheald be 10050478 Audited urailabtion 2 Associate Publisher Marityn MacAvella 5 18 Even though, way at the back of my mind, I know there‘s not a snowball‘s chance in you know where I‘ll accomplish them. Then it hit me. I need to stop kidding myself. Every January 1 put undue stress and pressure on myself to come up with a list of goals to work on â€" goals that will "improve" So, to save me the grief choking out a bunch of ANDREA lies, and you the time of BAILEY reading a lot of fictitious babble, I‘ve decided to go in another direction. While surfing the Net for strange and unique New Year‘s resolutions, I found a silly site that puts all of the fretting over this annual quest for selfâ€"improveâ€" ment into perspective. The list is a fun poke at the practice of resolutionâ€" making. However, oddly enough, there are a couple of tidbits that just might make sense in our own lives. You be the judge: 12. Have a torrid oneâ€"night stand with a street mutt. 11. Try to understand that the cat is from Venus and 1 am from Mars. 10. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener. 9. Circulate petition that leg humping be a juried competition in major dog shows. 8. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical maskâ€" wearing freak does to us when no one is around. 7. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds. 6. Hamster: Don‘t let them figure out I‘m just a rat on ‘roids, or they‘ll flush my behind. 5. Always scoot before licking. 4. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is "too" much. 3. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counterâ€" clockwise this year. 2. Jan. 1: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! Jan. 2â€"Dec. 31: Reâ€"live victory over the sock. AND the Number 1 New Year‘s Resolutions Made by Pets... 1. I will NOT chase the stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND. know what you‘re thinking. Another new year on Ilhe horizon, another column about all the resoluâ€" tions I‘m going to make and keep over the next 365 days. Yes, I went to both the gym and to church twice, if you count my sister‘s wedding, and I learned to cook two new dishes, without ruining my brand new set of pots and pans â€" thank God for stainless steel! \Flyving high on my achievements, I‘ve been rackâ€" ing my brain over what goals I should target this coming year. T Called Elfy‘s Newspaper, the site, located at www.ronaldhelle.com/paper/oldnews14.html, lists the "Top 12 New Year‘s Resolutions Made By Pets." Who says people are smaprter than their pets? Ah, it feels like just yesterday that I went on and on about how I‘m going to stick to a strict fitness plan, learn to cook, and go to church faithfully every weekend in 2004. What drd 1 take from this lunaew? Well while I don‘t recommend stopping what voure doing to smell a behind or two, it‘s good to take time for yourself and enjoy life And I‘m happy to report I doubled my success rate in all three areas from the previous year. the same philosophy applies to the part about swimming counterâ€"cleckwise for a change Don‘t be afraid to try something different and take a few risks But the most important message I took from these resolutions is never make teal resolutions‘ VIEWPOINT Enjoying a new form of retirement Once upon a time, autos had a lot of things which didn‘t work, or didn‘t work very well. pommmames Offhand, I think l put my feet up and get into a couple of books I‘ve seen saving He just doesn‘t have the vocabulary for it. Of course, some places have worse weather. For example, you have to feel sorry for the folks in Minnesota. Road‘s Scholar: Well, we had a dayâ€"plus of not so beautiful weather. And, as a matter of fact, it was still inside the end of autumn so we can‘t chalk it up to winter. Honest now, do you know anyone who likes driving in winter? If they do, they must also enjoy a Baffin tour in their bare feet. As any reasonable person will agree, driâ€" ving in winter is not what it used to be. So maybe it‘s a pain in the neck, but it‘s sure better that it used to be. Take the heating mechaâ€" nism. It mostly left a lot of almostâ€"ice on the windshield and what it did to you little tootâ€" sies was almost criminal. Of course, the way you sigâ€" naled other vehicles was to crank down the driverâ€"side winâ€" dow and hope your armâ€"waving is seen. It was hardly worth the effort. But today‘s driving isn‘t much better. A tree will stand in its place for a 100 years or so and then suddenly jump in front of a car. Warmest Greetings: Well, you‘ve probably seen sent as many greetings as you can handle, but it‘s still great to get them You heard from relatives vou were afraid had forgotten you. and relatives you haven‘t heard from in a while In any event. the connections keep the hohday warimed in your memory _ well. at least until next year Sav, there‘s something that‘s cheaper today thanat was two weeks ago _ a Christ mas tree Snow Blow: Well, they‘ve forecast a hig storm in the next few days, and you don‘t know how to spend the time Yes. it has been cold enough for me. It was kind of you to ask. On those 20â€"below mornings, you really have to feel sorry for a clergymen trying to start his car. They really know what cold is. I mean, did you ever see a blowtorch freeze? | HOW COME THERE 16 NEVER A POSTAL STRIKE WHEN YOU REALY NEED N_ SANDY BAIRD "Pat" resolved then and there he would never be the author of any such getâ€"outâ€" andâ€"shovel warnings. He never was. Say, do you why those whizâ€"dial cameras are so popular this Christmas? It‘s the way you can get a picture of your child with an unbroken toy. That‘s a legacy from John Patrick, the late and lamented Kitchener police chief. "Pat" once heard of an oldâ€"timer who took the warning seriously and shoveled his way to a fatal heart attack. The Dubyah Scene: It looks as if the esteemed president of the Excited States has his hands full. The war is going badly and he is going on, and on, and on, Just the other day his troops suffered a ommz . hammering with a mess hall set P J aboom by an insurgent packing DWME | a bomb. It was yet another fiasâ€" i MRYA co in a continuing series. A Happy New Year to yvou‘ And may the best day you have ever had be the worst day you have yet to come for a slack period. Yup, since I‘ve retired from snow shoveling I‘ll just watch the neighbours coping with it. There‘s one thing about it: No one from officialdom will likely be warning you to shovel the walk. _ NU I Anyhow, Dubyah is catching it on all sides. The role of a wartime leader is not a wondrous as he thought it was when U S. troops were high tailing it to victory Now, the fighting and the killing go on And Dubyah talks on. And on. And on The Look Ahead: Well, we‘re Inoking ahead at a new year. and Tl give you odds that 0N much like the vears that have gone before Therell be the same happmess and sor row, the same boredom and excitement. the same mix of everything. This country will he prosperous enough, and the weather will be a shambles as always Dubyah has called up more troops, and he‘s ordering others to stay longer. The insurgents are causing him nothing but trouble. And, oh yes. his secretary of defence is being condemned by kinfolk of soldiers who paid the supreme price. His letters of consolation were written and signed by a machine. Nice touch, eh?