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PAGE 4 â€" WATERLOOâ€"CHRONICL T, WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 1992 Life‘s not so rosy in our goldfish bowl Any tips, please drop me a line or give me a call. But not this afternoon. I have this sneaking suspicion I might be attending a funeral. Uh, next time. But what sent me directly to the pet store was a comment from Jordan, poor soul conducting an every morning D.W death watch. One day, checking out T.V. with his Mom, Jordan turned to Beth and said: "Mom, Mr. Rogers has goldfish in his house every day. How coine they don‘t die?" Don‘t even ask. I didn‘t. No, the fish were not present in the nuking room. Still didn‘t stop D. W.‘s pal from "doing the bent" two days later. And then there was one. We didn‘t phone Laurie. We have, however, been given tons of advice from every imaginable source, including a good friend who has a pond at her place and bought 80 goldfish one year. "About 20 of them survived," she admitted. "What advice would you like?" The new pair did last a couple of days together. "I changed the water this morning," said Beth a week ago, "but I thought it was too cold so [ put it in the microwave to get it to room temperature." What were we to tell him? That Mr. Rogers lives in a nicer neighborhood? ‘Oh, I just feel terrible," said Laurie, "for sure I‘ll get Jordan another one .‘ (Ed. note: Humane Society supporters please skip to next paragraph.) True to her word, she did. Unfortunately, Laurie was not aware that the day she brought it over, we were out of town overnight. So the idea of leaving the goldfish between the front doors, while making sense at the time, didn‘t go down too well with the occupant of the little plastic waterâ€" filled bag. I have not yet decided whether to send the large cube of ice to the Walt Disney Museum of Suspended Animation, or simply to turn down the temperature in my office and keep the cube as, all things considered, a rather attractive paperweight. hn se . T I i a T "I did that to a poor little fish? For sure I‘ll get Jordan another couple." t ooo on sn on e es This time, Laurie was, what was the operative word â€" oh yes â€" hormfied Ah ha, the initial speculation in Goldfish Theory 101. The hypothesis bore out two days later when Alice (named by Jordan for his fave TV show Alice In Wonderland) was discovered by its young owner to be doing a synchronized swim manoevre, still life version "Mommmy, Daddy, come here, Alice is, is, is, bent."‘ She sure was. On her way to goldfish heaven. And that was just the start of it I have notified City of Waterloo public works, lest they discover a bulge in the sewer system. And yes, I‘ve had to keep my navy blue suit right at the front of the closet as we‘ve lost two more since Alice went to Wonderland. "I couldn‘t believe it," whispered Laurie. ‘"We got them home last night and I went to wrap the bowl this morning and one of them was dead. I feel so bad, for sure I‘ll get Jordan another one. I think we may have fed them too much." You notice I say couple of goldfish. Imagine how excited we were at our preâ€"Christmas party when Jordan was instructed to hold his present upright to open. So he does, and, viola/ One goldfish. This is not a couple. Waterloo Chronicle Second Class Mail Registration Number 5540 Published every Wednesday by The Fairway Group Incorporated 215 Fairway Rd. S., Kitchener, Ont. January 29, 1992 This fish as pets thing started off innocently enough, a friend of Beth‘s named Laurie (this may or may not be her real name) deciding that a couple of goldfish would be the ideal Christmas present for our son. Little late, however, for D.W.‘s pals (our goldfish was named Darkwing Duck by his owner, threeâ€"yearâ€"old Jordan, who has attended more funerals in the past month than most people should in their lifetime.) However, he does stand a slightly better chance since, in an effort to end the mass hysteria around our household, I have finally done the logical thing and consulted a pet store on survival techniques. Do [ have a problem? Let‘s put it this way â€" I‘ve been pouring over our company‘s bereavement policy since Christmas morning to see if I don‘t qualify for some compensation, at least on humanitarian grounds. Information, please. Does anyone out there know how the heck to keep goldfish from dying? If we didn‘t have bad luck with our fish, we‘d have no luck. As it is, after one month and five tries, we have a sicklyâ€"looking white goldfish as the sole (nice line, no?) survivor. 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