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and just wanted” tell her they'd been lea-dinghy column hr tawny-six years. A. a malt. she gave the world-lam publisher what is -taagttortattrttt. IdttitlutowtheetyrnokgyMthe 'ttrare, but basically it mean ttig d! at the knee. so is! min-in. or%tatreer, is may: mum. He didt't all “a. and I haven't called him because ldtat't A couple of days later, my old lady got a call. right in the middle of her siesta. from some publisher the d.d. in Van- couver had called. At this point my o.l. was getting a bit ttra-td on. manning the phone calls at all hours from old fighter pilots who were flying when they called. people who wanted an instant recipe for tegt'tlr, a syndicated calm:- nm. aet!tde81ru!dienettteT $erittttfrqnittertia Some daffy dame in Vancouver got me out of bed one morning at 7:10 with a phone call. offering to be my agent. at ten per cent. I was a little grumpy. I have been known to throw the alarm clock right through a window when it goes off at 7:15. I asked her what the hell time it was in Van- couver. It was 2:10 am. naturally. a time when even daffy dame: should be snoring. _ A A have mini my answers all the way to Vincouver without bothering Ila Bell. . l My minutes lateF. while I was shaving. she‘called again to ask how 1TU'l'e, the book would have. what rind lst paper. what ki ' 'over, who} price. She could Let‘s see BOW. Here it is about August. and I was supred to produce a book this summer. I wish it were " simple" as getting preghant and producing a beautiful. healthy wel- comed child. k Two different parties are after me, as we say in this cogntry. go _g_et _off my. Wm and pop a bummer, Wand Harold Emm'WtonamsprumShm Orgy Mart in 1Amtqrtoo Square Ian wool: dining the Stern's "800m. to Seniors Day." which featured discounts. fro. ”ranks. "freshmen: ENJO YING SENIORS DA Y BILL SMILEY The family. What a chapter! Dull. dull. dull. Unfortunate- ly. I came from a happy family. l didn't hate either my father or my mother. so there‘s no mileage there. I get along great with my brothers riders. at long as we're several hundred miles apart. my Ion and dai'lner. when heh in Paraguay and she‘s . New. [adore my grandboys. eapecially when rm waving bye-bye as they leave for another lew'montlu. My wife and I put up with each other. So what's to write aunt? In math. I eatt't even use a calculator without gettl all fouled 'l'l"ft'lhWd'Suffr'll,t'lrtl'll'l11'a%'ln'l this week. to the tune of .10.”. And forty cents. htseienee,lttave_eirti-tettettttataeidrai" The”? macaw. Muengoin‘toschoolz pantie. high. My. air force locum. (new. for 'noeettmttorty-andtkrtowattotettselveperestt mm may: a six-m Mam. _ itt math. I ee't gm use 1 calculator “(handling all - He should know better. He's been giving me both for more than twenty years, and I have not only ignored both. I have usually done the ite. with no dire results. except that we'd both have ',,'dr,l'fa1 money if " listened. But what good is money these days? _ Next," "rr old buddy offered some ideas for éhspters: the family. the school. 'eararotitirs, etc. [wish he'd spelled out the etcetera, because I don't know much about the others. - First thinghe smuied was a title. If " had a national contest to choose the worst possible title for my pregnant bulurrpoAted, pythhisvrouhjl have m first prim. 7 wyy torappear to be tqwgljilgg avgr him. My othéi agent, and old tFiend. who could sell cowboy boots to Indians. and mocassins to cowboys. dropped a line wi_t_h sonic gmestions and advice. _ Writing that best-seller Even though we all live in Kitchener- Waterloo. we just never seem to get tee gether enough and I suppose I must shouldermost of the blame for tint be- - my erratic hours of work ten! to prevent meoom attending most family functions. Irs gotten so bad in fact that it was suggested that I wear a nametag so my nephew would know who I was! Cruel Ted. really cruel ... but not far from the truth when I really toobthe time to think about it. The last time I saw my nephew Tim. hewaswearittgwaterwietgsinttte1aee and we couldn't coax him out past the It was onwof those rare occasions 'etteetiwasattletottett-therwithmy two brothers. their wives. my nephew and my parents for a weekend of catch- ing up on all that has occurred in their lives. I don't want to give the impression that all was bad on my Vacation because it wasn‘t. In tact. the good points far ou- tweigh the had. Hrytousethis timeMtheyeartoget away from it all. lose a few pounds and party til the sun comes up. Once again things didn't work put as planned. I bought and read more newqiapers at the cottage than I usually read while working and I find that the fresh air makes me eat and sleep much more their“ I were in the city. _ A It wuayeek for me to regain some semblance of sanity. lie face down on tttetteaettorbetlyqinthewaterattdto just get any from all the Twin Cities' happenings for awhile. But my plans were waylaid on several counts. The water temperature was just shy of the freezing point on several oc- casioets.theretettdedtotte-eltmds than sunshine. and I ran into more peo- pie from the Kitchener-Waterloo area upnttrtttthartittsuattyreedtrrittgttte perittdafaneee* whileathome! And I'm still a little leery of my sanity ... not much change on that score. l have just returned from a [tor-ion vacation in that mecca of the north km a “cottage country.” _ Getting away to cottage country And of course snrone who reads modem novels can‘t help but be pretty wel versed. lls ‘versed' s bad word? I'm never use.» It comes from the ssme root. if you'll pardon the exptessiou. as "perverse." , {,',t,l'ee,rg'i'rd ',"el,'gt", of the stuff. Kinky sex is two wi ro it 's gems; sl led w. Aural sex s'i,'iiliiji1 with youresrs instead at yum. nther like the old m atttttrttilahianaeutrutttAtgutts.ec" Ratherqht.ttttt miner turns you on. as we sex amen say. No problem with the sex chapters. As to his find W. politics. I could write s book. Btttmttttdy-tidmadit.ttee-'tt-idttettanmdasthe most chases lltersry elicit shes ley Chetterly‘s Lover. In English. I'm pretty secure. I know the first lineoI several ot Shakespeare's great soliloquies: "To be or not to be." "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow..." But I can't remember the second line or any of the others. And I do know what a participle is, which is more than lean say for the two Grade Ten's I tlrtlShl't year. So school is out. as a singed. about sex. There. I might be able to come up wi several chapters. Despite my earlier disclaimer about science. I do know a pistil from a stamen. I think. And I e, some pretty hot at.“ from an 2itr"'""t one day. w en he said. “This is the female a. In hisuiry. I am'cbntent with a student‘s assessment that the Church of England was established because Henry vm was fed q with”: Pope. - 7 from kidney trouble with Santa Claus's reindeer. ht geography. I am quite cmtfident that Texas is south of some '?il-prodyeing places. and north of others. t8trerfttoChrorkitmaiA-eC"0tt-h." That doesn't bother me because I feel that rm providing a form of therapy by forcing them. through my defeats. to ap- preciate their skills a little more. I guess in the long run though I'm just fooling myself because it really boils down to themNst being plain better at a lot of things than I am. No sibling ri- valries in our family ... ha! But. in the long run it (was a badly needed week off and I still managed to have a great time when I wasn't battling nature. insects and cases of beer that seemed to be forever empty. Now about that other week of holidays They'd call for my skies with inter- mittent clouds ... it would rain cats and dogs. They'd call for partly cloudy skies with a chance of sunny periods ... I failed to see the sun that day. They‘d call for hot. Buy and humid coalitions ... the area ended up on the receiving end of a severe thunder storm. that I have coming to me.... Right from day-one of my holiday I puttetomttchfaithinthermasingsofthe teievision "weather guesser" and as the days passed I began to realize that I had been taken. lenjoyed the chance to just sit back and study my family while they were away from their normal environs, My parents take on completely different personalities when they are not conned up in their apartment. It's as though an enormous weight is lifted off their shoulders once they get to the cottage and they really let their hair down. They tergi to becommore like friends rather than parents under such relaxed circum- Two of my best friends - who also happeettottimyttrotherr--T'edandhis wife Sue and Ken and his wife Diane use the occasion to "whup" me at every card game known to man and they threw in - beatings in badminton for good measure! rmet "attt her. He's eight new. the water wings have disappeared and in difficult trying to drag the little "water Fat" out of the lake for his meals!