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r rm certainly glad I turned down that Offer from Metro- , Goldwyn-Mayer forty years ago, to play Tarzan. after ‘Johnny Weissmuller got too fat to do it. The adulation would have turned my head so badly I'd have been able to see Death catching up with me. but not to observe that l was about to stett int? 1r,rrertorfrap. . . u m WELL. it looks as though I have my summer‘s work cut out for me. Instead of hating around the backyard with the birds and a beer, I'll be up to my ears in joining things or refusing-lo, putting together a book. judging a humor com- petition, and answering a few hundred letters from comple- te strangers. Some prospect: _ I'd miietrpreter td be fett alone to rot, in my own way. into the, senility that my wife suggests is creeping upon me apiece.) _ . . - . . .. . .__A________, "riiiin only my second week of celebritydom. or whatever they can it, and Ai_t_'_s_a fair stein. . .. My mouth is stiff from smiling while people congratulate me on that fine article in Today magazine. I don't know why the congratulations. I didn't write it. My smile is much'less stiff when someone says, “I liked that there colyum about how tough the farmers have it. That was the real cat‘s ass." My ears are ringing from long-distance calls from people ree never heard from or of before, and who had never heard of me until they read a minor article in the Saturday supple- ment of a magazine that is secorid-rate compared to its prtdece"fr5. . J a A " A an. A All I ll It's just a good thin? that it wasn‘t a centre-fold in Play- girl. Instead of lovely old ladies writing to tell me they have arthritis too, the mail would be crammed with mash letters containing naked photographs and lewd suggesting. .- . L __ L4-.. 1. -._._I-‘-|-- _o..__..l I... Young Colleen Ditner of Waterloo finds out in her first adventure in a pool that water can be fun. Here mother Jan gives Colleen a little boost in the air after a bit of splashing around. _ "iririit I'IEFWEW' head is compleiily unturned by BILL SMILEY SURE IS FUN! Lia” the article, is getting powerfully peeved at answering the phone to half-stoned old fighter pilots, coy ladies who won't give their name, and total strangers who want six au- tographedpopies. prepaid. . L t L To her, I am just the guy who puts out the garbage some- times after the truck has gone by, wears light-blue socks with a green tie, makes an ass of himself with "jokes" nobody gets at parties, has no interest in her decorating schemes, can't find Middle C on the piano. will never talk to mechanics and tradesmen. has taken four months to sweep the basement, in ten-minute stints every second Saturday, and, gEnerally. doesn't know his arm from a hole in the ground. To skim the surface. To the guys on our staff. the article was a godsend. Now when rm lining up a difficult shot on the shuffleboard. in- stead of the tired old, "Don't miss it," they've found new ammunition. "Here's the old fighter pilot. nerves of steel." chorus the heckling watchers. And when I miss, about thrice out of three. the chant is, "No wonder we nearly lost the war." . To those of my students who had to write their final exams. it was also a bonanza. “Sure like the article, sir. Would you autograph my copy. Hope you write a book, and I'll buy the first copy.‘Sure hope you have a yonderful IP,?: HE." iiiiiiGGirdu'Friiia" ii; irite looked at me with amused disdain. 7_ _ .. To those who never thought " amount o anything - all my friends. all my colleagues. most of my family - it was a chance to say. "Well, never thought'you‘d amount to much. Ain't it a corker the trash the medla will print these days?" Along with all the garbage that's been coming in. of cour- se, are some warm and welcome letters from old friends. Prolonged fame disrupts summer Did you know that the common toilet amounts for approximately 43 per cent of the water used in the home? Ws not the kind of statistic youjd use to start off a conversation when you fin- ally meet the girl of your dreams, but it is rather important. Water consumption and conservation hits closer to home these days, what with excruciating heat waves and water shortages in both the United States and Canada. _ The Centre published a pilot issue of "Making Waves" last summer in an ef- fort to inform both residents and in- dustry of the importance of water con- servation and how it affects people iir.' dividually. It's a subject that increases in impor- tance everytime the thermometer rises another-degree. and one that's dear to the hearts of the people at the Univer- sity of Waterioo's Water Conservation Centre. . . The pamphlet. still to be approved by the Region of Waterloo before it goes into regular publication. is jam-packed with water conservation games, infor- mation and statistics. Ws aimed at an- yone who uses water because it's in everybody's interest to conserve the precious liquid. Water conservation is simple and in- expensive, and it's something everyone can take part in. Now back to the toilet. The Centre re- commends that you use it only for its in- tended purpose. In other words don't use it as a waste paper basket or garberator. Leaks and worn valves should be re- placed as soon as possible. Such leaks can be detected by addig a colored dye to the tank and noting the color change in the bowl. . If we work to conserve what we already have it may eliminate or at least reduce the need for costly altema- tives and will extend the life of our pre- sent ground water supply. They suggest you take a shower rather than a bath because less water is wast- Our most precious liquid needs conservation former students. and regular readers ot the column. those intelligentsia as in The People's Smiley, or whatever that inane heading was. . But, on the other hand. I'm dismayed at the number of let- ters from people who want something. The Fighter Pilots' Association wants me to pay up my fees, five years in ar- rears. The Prisoners ' of - War Association wants me to pay up my fees, eighteen years behind. Something called Author's Awards (sic) wants me to judge a Magazines - Humor competition. This is a very re- warding pastime. l was a judge, for some years, in the Lea- cock Award for Humor. I was a judge. for one year, of the Outstanding Canadian Columnist Award tor community newspapers. As a result. every humorist. and all but one columnist in Canada. think I am an utter cMin._ My syndicate manager wants me to pot ahotA together this summer. when I have trout to catch. golf to play. swim- ming to enjoy, grandboys to entertain, and a pile of rocks outside our French windows to transform into a patio. I dread going to the Air Force Reunion in September. I know I will be cornered by various aged airmen who will tell me they read the article, then bore me to death with every single incident that has occurred to them since they got their discharge. "iriGGeGGry" mt. I'll probably just let the letters Wider on my desk. I find that if you don't answer things, they eventuany justgo gym! _ _ . . There‘s been only one - count it, one - tangible benefit from the article. Today I met the guy who sold me the ty- pewriterwith the tazy A: After ten years. he rectal: he can fix it. He didh't say tor free. Probably charge me double because it-got national exposure. “who CtteoetHe.tfiiettet+.atiy It, mo -PQI7 There's one good thing about a water shortage though. Remember a few yearwttgtt when England was suffering through high temperatures 3nd low water supplies? The government placed ads on radio, television and in newspapers that recommended group showers, It proves that you can have fun and get clean at the some time! A ' Nearly tive gallons of water goes right down the drain when taps are left on while brushing your teeth or shaving. I wouldn't know about the latter because I have a face that is reminiscent of our old buddy the werewolf. You should only turn the tap on when needed. In case you aren't aware of it, there is a municipal bylaw which governs when you can and cannot water your lawn. Even-numbered homes may water on Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday while odd numbered homes may do it Eesday. Thursday, Saturday and Sun- y. per in and seehow much water remain}: in the tub. _ ed. Next lime you short leave the sup- Lawns should be watered between 6 and 10 a.m. and 7 and 11 pan. because it's cooler then and the water won't be as prone to gaporate as much as it would during id.-day. I hope the Region gives the go-ahead to the Water Conservation Centre to begin publishing their pamphlet on a re- gular basis because the only way to make and keep the public aware of water conservation is to keep a steady stream of information flooding their way. 7 Until that day you can call the Centre at 884-3101 fur information on how you can contribute to the water conservation battle. d . ' Like the good people at the Centre say, “conservation consciousness is achieved by being aware of the water you and your family uses! ..