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e--rlBiillll Smiley Saturday, Feb. 23, 1971, the giant Pyramid Room of the Dunes Hotel on Las Vegas' famous strip is Jam- packed with tourists and gamblers waiting for the Elvis Presley spectacular to start. Meanwhile. in a small room backstage, Elvis and a few of the guys in The report continues by allegedly turning down Pres1ey's offer on the grounds his long hair and flashy clothes Would have upset J. Edgar Hoover during the Monday morning FBI agents' dress parade. A likely story. I mean, they had already shaved his curls and stuck him in the US army back in the mid 1960’s. With reporters like Woodward and Bernstein nosing around at that time and photocopying everything in sight, it's little wonder the CIA and FBI were writing misleading informatioh into their internal memos. In that case, just imagine how it might have been _.. The memo, dated Dec. 1970, quoted Presley as bla- ming the Beatles' "filthy unkempt appearances and suggestive music for many problems facing young people." He also accused Jane Fonda and the Smothers brothers of poisoning young minds through "public statements and unsavory activities." He is then reported to have volunteered his services as an undercover agent for the US Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs. A recent Washington Post news story revealed the content of a seven-year-old FBI internal memo and ble_w the cover on wonld-be FBI agent Elvis Presley. Well as of yesterday Ihre changed my mind. It's great to he a female if you’re “one of the guys.” But step into a management position and the story quietly changes. Now I know my name makes it difficult to distin- guish whether I am mate or female, but] am not the only female Terry. Whereas people were known upon occasion to ask our receptionist whether this Terry might be a Miss, Mrs., Ms., or Mr., today they im- mediately attach a Mr. to me when they hear my Another vague hope is that the airplane gets off the ground. It'didn‘t help our frame of mind when one didn't recently at Toronto airport, and instead wound up in a ravine. A few months ago I filled this space by writing about the advantages and/or disadvantages of being a female in the business world. The column was prompted by the fact that the Waterloo County Board of Educationwasatthattime, reeienrirtgtheemmtter of women found in administrative positions in this column I clearly stated that I did not find it hard to cope at all. lit fact, until a fellow reporter posed the question, I'd never really thought about it, I worked with an all-male staff and got along fine. We all had our share of covering women's events, spprts and hard news. Your second hope is that you will not be hijacked. Or, at least if you are; that the hijackers will insist on landing on the island of Bali, where the terrified hostages will be comforted by nubile, young bra- less, topless ladies, waving fans and things around to keep them (the hostages) cool. _ Then, of course, it is to be hoped that once the thing gets into the air, it returns to tetra firms. This is fairly important, they tell me. Next, it's rather essential that you have a place to lay your jet-lagged head when you get there. Mar- riages are made in Heaven. it says somewhere. Di- vorces are made when the room clerk says, "Sorry, sir. Your reservation definitely states August 15th, and this is July 15th. We haven't a thing for the next two weeks." This experience is far, far worse than being left at the altar. l When you are going on a trip, your first hope is that you will get there in one piece, preferably the fairly large piece in which you began the trip. Not a lot of little ones. It's basic that you gttottid leave behind instructions On stage, immaculately dressed in a qhite<m-wttite jump suit with gold trim, tastefully setting off his blue suede shoes, Elvis sings and swings through most of "We broke the code on that LSD propaganda two months ago" shouts Elvis, as Eddie leaps into a nearby phone booth to get FBI backup for the bust. Leaving Eddie to clean up. Presley runs back inside. On the way down the hall, they pass an open stage door leading out to the hotel parking lot. The sound of the Beatles' Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds comes waning in. Elvis hesitates for a split second, then both agents race through the door and out into the parking lot where they apprehend a startled car jockey in the middle of upping the radio volume on some movie star's Rolls. "Okay, Elvis, but don't go under the red spot lights on the left side of the stage like you did last week. My mother had a helluva time explaining to our boys how she couldn't tell the orange from the pinto ones. " "In the Love Me Tender number, when I lean over the front row and the girls start fighting over the pink and the orange silk scarves I'll be wearing, you give the signal, Eddie, and the agents will close in on any- body who grabs the pink ones" says EMS. the band are discussing their music. "Curtain time, Mr. Presley. " "Okay, George." Three of the band file out, leaving Elvis and the third guitar whispering strategy. Keeping this in mind, then please explain to me why, when some comes into the office looking for the editor, he wilt: directly to Mr. Hoile's desk. I can explain it in tour words. I am a woman. Who wouldn- pect that a woman would hold a management position if there is a male in the office? tor enters the front door his, or her, eyes immediately come into contact with a matter that divides the edi- torial department from the advertising department. Fromtttishiseyes dttrttottteeditor'trdeak,ptrrttr beeatmeitisttse1-tdeaklntheroorn,themes. 'it'tdfsjthtmeorttrisaittsatedi?tfmettofttse only window in the office. Directly to my left, two feet away, sits my "aistant, Geoff Hoile. His desk is not in viewtosomeonewalking intotiteottiee. Then qeheredoesthis1eavemeiframnottiteeiti- tor? Do you want to bet they think I am his secretary. Wttiiethiri-ttqhtoaeeqtt,ther-ne things that just cagt'ttte overlooked. To mm tttehrtiirrqtaettto6atramabmrttoaarnnehasto trrtdeestandtttetrttrieai1aymstotmtrotNe.A_ 'gameirtaaslmettmoittttttetitieoteditttr. for the disposal of your property, in case you are kid- napped in the red light district of Hamburg, or, in the case of wives, decide to run off with the one-eyed Afghanistan pilot you met in the discotheque in Jlre've drawn up a list for just that purpose. Kim gets the grand piano. Hugh gets the lawnmower and the color TV (they have some great programs in the jungles of Paraguay). Kim gets the lawn sprinkler for The Boys to run through, their favorite sport. My sisters get the old beds we outfumbled them for when my mother's estate was being divided. My wife's sister gets the huge linen tablecloth with the wine-stains that won't come out. And so on. Another thing you should look after before you commence a trip is to get well rested. Maybe that’s why I'm taking off this afternoon in a bus with a lot of hooligans to drive, round-trip, 200 miles and watch a doubleheader baseball game featuring the worst major league team in the world, Toronto, and arriving home at 2 a.m. Four hours on the bus. Four hours in the grandstand. After a day's work. "You're crazy", myrite said, unequivocally. She's right. It's extremely important, when you are packing, not to leave out anything vital to your well-being. According to Hoile 'erry Jam es-s By Geoff Hoile . a. 1mm. 7 Eddie reaches into his pocket and quickly swallows three small white pills, at the same time explaining how he finds Bulferin works much faster than Aspirin. Elvis pops a couple of blue pills and leans back to relax. "What the hell was that?" demands Eddie. "Not what you think" says Elvis, “just something I take regularly to keep my weight down. " The show ends with Elvis and the band dashing back tothesmallroomattheendofthecorridor.0neby one they change and leave, until just Eddie and Elvis are sitting silently recovering from the tension of the double role they play. This sort of thing would not go unnoticed in a down- town K-W area bar, but in Vegas gamblers are known to do many weird things in the course of a prolonged losing streak. Let's Bee. Oh, yes. you need money. When the Europeans came to Canada first, they brought lots of colored beads, and received in return for them prime furs, good " gold. When Canadians visit Europe, they take choking great rolls of hanknotes. and receive in return for them - you guessed it ' colored beads. Seems fair enough. Let's have another look at that list. Uh. Yup. Elec- tric toothbrush. Extra dentures in case of breakage. Hair dye. Three quarts of underarm deodorant. Toi- let paper. 12 rolls. Adhesive tape for hiistered heels. Seven-iron to practise golf swings while waiting for audience with Pope. Booze. Hey. where's the booze? Heard a guy had to pay “Star a quart of rye when the Old-Timers played, hockey in Holland last winter. Wait a minute, now. Have to call the cops and [is (Continued on page 17) his old hits, and the place goes wild. But there is still work to be done. Out there in that frenzied crowd is an FBI contact. drinking a very dry martini and waiting to relay tips on subversive in- dividuals spotted in the casinos smoking pot or looking generally filthy. Elvis peers through the cigar smoke in the Pyramid Room. Over in the corner, agent 439722165 jabbs a toothpick into the olive in his martini and begins tal- king into it. On stage, Elvis picks up the coded mes- sage through the fourth ring on his left hand, a giant ruby. l’mjnstwamnglorthedayaomeoaeaddnuumeas mrttartdaaurrtetogtrutehaeotueormakearttoet. can. Mrasaiatarttiooreytorrrte,orqmsttredot hearing me complain, that he dipped into his own meagrrmrtdtsartdptudsttaedasigttformrdeae.tho beautiful wood grained background it says EDITOR] thanudhinttmtstidttiatetodoettaoineor-id atmeirt,mttieeit,1tttAatmeandtt-ttmittte didrt'thtoeeetmtghroommtttiaomtdese a Ntrrdort'tt6roetotintstethirththatramaratntieig, raving, women's libher who is about to deliver a 'peeetoteteqsairigtttaarsdeqmierrtmitr.tean't bet.e9emd..Weitotyorymindetreted, eart't9trartdstteeeratand%tttrstreomrrurottte reatotstte%tremt'taeeeptthisitwititretotheirem- harassment when they address me " a secretary andnttitvetoeoheetthem. Nottobeforgottenthougharemosethonghtfulpeo- plewhoeitherphonedor 'mttetoatettrratutatemeon my appointment. Their tttoughttuiness more than makes up fortheignoranceotothers. Make a checklist: laxative pills, tranquilizers, stuff for athlete', foot, piles ointment, dandruif killer, a travel iron to press out the furrows on your fore- head. And so on. Naturally. you need six dictionaries: Canadian- cockney; Iilttgtish-Frertelt; French-German: Sch- weitxer-Deutaeh; Toronto-Italian; ama1-F'teneh. And so on.