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Page 1 2, Terrace Bay-Schreiber News, Wednesday, February 29, 1984 - Games People Play by T. LOTTMAN In truly discouraged marriages games are not single isolated events but rather, they become almost continuous ways of interacting. There isoon is little or no re- lief from the contest to stay "one-up". Even when games seem about to end, often a new game is immediately started to take place. For example, a person who is about to lose an "[?'m right - you're wrong' game, fre- quently avoids defeat by using the "I don't want to discuss it" maneu- ver. As the evidence against him mounts, he simply announces his refusal to continue this '"'petty argument" and thereby gives the im- pression that he is too mature and intelligent to 'stoop to such bicker- ing'. This is the same individual who mo- ments before was heat- edly engaged in the battle. The most effective "I don't want to discuss it" player also uses some means of physically avoiding his spouse. He buries his head in the newspaper, leaves the room, falls asleep, or even in one case, turns off his hearing aid. These methods of dis- sociation often infuriate THE MARCH IS ON! Many physically disabled men and women need your help. Please give generously. his partner to the point that she will launch a "this is war" game with all the screaming, door slamming and name calling usually asso- ciated with this game. As long as the "I don't want to discuss it" play- er keeps his cool and doesn't react, this mere- ly reinforces his posi- tion of being the one who is too rational, ma- ture, intelligent or moral to get involved in his wife's games. In actual- ity he is no different than the child who stops in the middle of a race and says "'I quit in order to avoid defeat." How- ever in marriages such child's play is really a more serious symptom of discouragement. One pattern of dis- couragement in mar- riages is a desperate form of the "Pay Atten- tion'"' game. The goal is simply to win the spouse's involvement, no matter whether posi- tive or negative. Argu- ments even in some cases, physical abuse will satisfy the goals of the "Pay Attention" player, for it is a game of desperation. This game is often played by the spouse who has been discouraged by years of being almost totally ig- nored by their partner. They feel that in their onTARo @ e r 4 ") y ly * < Cay oF eo ABILITY FUND partner's eyes they barely exist and any attention is preferable to being ignored. They may begin by trying to gain attention through kindness, efforts to please, and anticipat- ing their spouse's needs. However, when these positive efforts fail, they quickly turn to less constructive maneuvers. Some of the strategies that iden- tify the 'Pay Atten- tion" player are: 1. They are never si- lent in the presence of their spouse or they are so conspicuously silent that their spouse is bo- thered by it. For example, picture a husband arriving got the paper in one hand and his eye on the couch in front of the t.v. On the way through the kitchen he tosses his wife a "Hi, what's for supper?" Silence. He turns around, marches back to the kitchen and asks, "What's wrong?"' His wife continues to stare into the pan of spaghetti sauce, sighs, and replies, "Oh, no- thing." He's hooked. There is no way he can leave that situation with- out feeling like a real jerk. She's won his at- tention. 2. The "Pay Atten- tion' player always an- nounces what they are going to do before they do it or always asks for _ their spouse. "7 think I'll read for a while, d'ya mind?" Even a grunt in response provides an illusion of involvement. 3. Requiring a spouse's help with everything you do also marks the "Pay Atten- tion" player. Even a refusal or a loud com- plaint is a form of atten- tion that is better than being ignored. Often spouses have little awareness of how powerful a simple kind- ness, a brief hug, or a short conversation can be in combatting mari- tal discouragement. In a future article we will look at the "Debit- Credit'? game and the "Where would you be home from work. He's token permission from without me" strategy. Guess who is forty HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAD We love you Jason and Stacy Custom Finishing is Promoting their MID WINTER SALE Lin Gig? Traditional and Princeton Lines 1100 Russell St. Custom Finishing BY EMILE (INC.) On All Orders Placed Between Now and March 24/84. 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