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U -r** \ ^2- Egotist "Did anyone in your family evtr make a brilliant marriage?" "Only my wife." Keep Away "Bill got his nose broken in three places." "Well, if he takes my advice he'll keep out of those places In future." But Not By Gallup Many people wonder >vhy, with all the numberless queries put forth by the Gallup poll, they have never been questioned. A certain Boston dowager, on meeting Dr. Gallup, demanded to knov why she had been ignored. "Why, madam," protested Dr. Gallup, "don't you realize that, considering the millions of indivi- duals in the United States, your chances of being ititerviewed by one of my men are about equal to your chance of being struck by lightning?" "Eealiy?" jhe lady rejoined. "Well, I have bej/^struck by light- •nmg!" ^ . i 'J * i *y| Ik Ik ^ Good "When I applied for a job the manager asked if my [unctuation was good." ^And what did you tell him.'" "I said I'd never been late for work in my life." A Lesson' Well Learned The memory expert had been given his turn in the village hall. The audience had not been enthusi- astic, and the questions asked at the end of the show really infuri- ated the man. When one dear old lady came up and asked him to wl.at he at- tributed his remarkable memory, he thought it was time to call it a day. "Well, madam," he explained, without a smile, "when I was :n the Air Force, I once had to make a parachute jump from a height never before attempted. Just as I jumped from the 'plane, the pilot leaned over the side and yelled: 'Hi, you've forgotten your para- chntel' Believe it or not, madam, that taught me a lesson, and I've never forgotten anything since." Let Out The- pcisoner was ou trial for •testing ducks. His counsel ad- dressed the jury at ^real length, . pointing out, firstly, that 1f had j^« : K..^«» proved conclusively that the iprosecutor bad lost any ducks; fecqndly, that the ducks found in the â-  prisoner'! cottage were not tho$e of the prosecutor; thirdly, tba^ the prisoner had established an absolute iilibi. Just as the judge began to sum up ' the prisoner interposed and asked if he might fiay something. ^ an indulgence, this was per- mitted. â- -'â- '- "Ml I want to say," ren»rked the prisoner, "is that I wish I'd never seen t)ie darned ducks." A Life of Ease "What would y^'^dS^ tl you married a rich womatl.''* "Absolutely nothing." The Night Biefore On the nint^^ stroke, di. the clock Simpson avjoke -mitb '» staii. "Gosh, what a head I've^ got," he groaned. "1 can't go to the oftic* today.'' He reached for the phone and called his boss' private number. "It's no use wrapping things up," he confessed, "Last night 1 was out with some pals and I'm ashamed to say I . overdid it I wonder if I could fake thc: das .off. sir?" .: ." "Well," ;;e^tt(e' the boss' voice over the phone, "1 admire ycmr candor, Simpson, and 1 shall ex- pect you ttjS.OO totnorrow. As.for the day off. it's yours. Today is Sunday." Speaking About Time "Pardon me. but have you., the ^ correct time?" "Don't keep any ariiiicial time, mister. It's jest uiilkin' time and I don't pretend to be any statisti- cian. If you're a city daylight sav- in' man you kin do your own add- :n', subtractin' or multiplyin'." Cot Acquainted Dora: "What became of that bashful man and bashful jjirl you were telling me about?" jack: "Oh. I introduced them to each other and in three weeKs tney were engaged." you UU\ Nothing -1 heati^Stnith called idiot. - "Only in a roundabout way." "How was that?" "He said that in the matter oi intelligence you and I had nothing fo quarrel about." WO Rhubarb Pi4^')!Uirii! i â-  Two v^ofk"'!?" Mt down to eat Iheir lunch, and one began un- wrapping.- ^i&^et about Itt^lvtiC^'' inches Ipng-' i I 'Wha^s tWaf?" asked hU f"knd. "Well, my wife is away, 'i<»"1'~ made a pie for myself." "A bit long, isn't it?" "Of course it's long. i;. It's ^Bti; OUT OUR WAY By J. R. William. I POM'T MIWD PACK\M' VOUR LOOT ER VOUR KIDS H£RE,FREE GRATIS --BUT WHENJ "iOO COt^ETOlRYiM' TO FIMP TH' KEYHOLE VVITH A PISH OF JITTER 6E1.A- TIKJE PUDDllvj' IM IH' SAME HAND, Them i den-\amd NOT OMLV V^AOES BUT TIME AND A HALF/ VOFCE OF THE PRESS Or Wat Restaurant portions may get smaller this summer, we are told. So wlien the waiter brings us a damp plate, we'll know that our soup's there somewhere. â€" London Opinion. No Steel Strike There British occupation zone in Ger- many is suffering from sharp food, cial and consumer goods short- ages. But no steel strike. â€"Windsor Star. I U. S. Naval Leader i Aimner to PrcrlouM Fazzi# Braraiaa[si[i]QiaQ(aa Auto Equality Automobiles were so scarce that Ottawa discontinued the priority system. Result: Every Canadian now has an equal chance at not getting a new car. â€" Time. Minority Rule At least, a strike-ridden public ought to have the rigiit to vote on which minority the people want to run xhit country, â€"Toronto Telegram. Fisherman's Wife "If you're looking for my hus- band he's gone fishing: just walk down to the dock and look for a pole with a worm on each tnd." â€" Hydro News. The American Dollar if prices in tlie United State* continue to rise another 15 per cent aa they are e.xpected to do, then by next New Year's day the Unite* States dollar will have a purchas- ing power of only 65 rents in temu of 1939 prices. â€" Ottawa Citizen. Might Be Different A judge decided that just be- cause she tried on hats for several hours straight, a woman wasn't necessarily insane. But maybe he j didn't see the hats. â€" Guelph .Mercury. On Its Own Inllation in Canada will really be under way when the :!J-cent meal, which now costs 50 cents, goes up to a doliai. â€" Edmonton Journal. What Are We Coming To? The makers of prefabricated houses foresee the time when people will turn in their old houses every few years for more up-to- date models. It is theit hope, ap- parently, that future householders will be unable to resist a new job with improved door handles and cigar lighters. â€"The N'ew Yorker. Twins One-hand car drivers are twin brothers to the fellows who insist on changing seats in canoes when the water is rough. â€" Guleph -Mercury. HORIZONTAL. 1,6 Pictured U. S, naval commander. Vice Adml. Howard 12 Merge 13 Give 14 His is active in the Pacific 15 English statesman 17 Sicilian volcano 19 River (Sp.) 20 Ascends 22 Fish 23 Melodies ^5 One who 27 'S?^^ 28Up^'^^3Sure 29 Paid St. 30 AccomplISi 31 Yes (Sp.) 32 Universal language 33 Symbol for actinium 35 Transpose (ab.) 36 Krone (ab.) 37 Mother 39 His ships the Japs 41 Acid fruit 43 Light brown 44 Bombard fiercely 49 Goddess of infatuation 50 Position 52 Italian city 53 Wintry blanket 54 Containing nitrogen 56 Stage performer 58 Rogues 59 Erects VERTICAL 1 Younger 2 Vegetable 3 Louse egg 4 Near 5 Soothsayer 6 Roman date 7 Not any 8 Guinea (ab.) 9 Girl's name 10 Garrett 11 Repaired mm [dlSIBg]^ 'lAiwrN GIA s ISTul ragn saaaKii-f^sEiEiH IWIOIVH rEIAT 14 Bear 16 The god< 18 Aircraft 20 Seeks fo attain 21 Glitter 24 Blasts 26 Idolize 33 Performs 40 Caper 42 Demesne estate 45 Journey 46 Fabulous birds 47 Part of "be" 48 Dread 51 Greek letter 34 Series of links 53 Station (ab.) (Pl.) 55 Ream (ab) 37 Engines 57 Symbol for 38 Afresh cerium Be Sure They're Your Ovro A beauty e-xpert advises slam ing the cheeks until they glow. Be sure, however, that they're, your own. â€" Kingston Whig-Standard. How Right! Michael Faraday, who dis- covered electro - magnetism, was asked by Gladstone 01 what use it would be. "Some day. Mr. Chan- cellor, you will be able to ta.x it," came the reply. Faraday predicted right, and the evidence is one item on every electric light b-ll issued in this city. â€"St. Catharines Standard. REWARD your family by serving delicious Maxwell House Coffee at mealtimes, Alaxwell House has more delicious flavor â€" fuller, more satisfying body â€" be- cause it contains choice Latin-American coffees. FUNNY BUSINESS By Hershberger Voa Will Rnjoy Stnylns \t The St. Regis Hotel r<>K<)\TO • Eicrj Koom Willi llulh !«lioner and TelfMilmne • SIniclr, .l;-i.-.0 up â€" Double, s::.."0 up â-  Gond Fiuxi DininK and Diine- !â- Â« Xijchlly Sherhourne at Carlton Tel. RA. 41M HOTEL METROPOIE All Beautifully Furnished With Running Water Rates: $1.50 ap NIAGARA FALLS OPPOSITE C.N.R. STATION "Bought it from a service station â€" makes it easier b case one of my daughters wants to elope!" J .:iy I yaPiHUT .w ea snodH H0THaH23J^ ;