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Page 6, News, Tuesday, November, 13,1920 Thank You | Josephine Cole would like to thank Or. Rohani, his wife, and Ethel at the Schreiber = he looking after me ere. ( would like to thank Dr. Rohani and all the nurses at McCausland Hospital for was a Patient. Thank You the excellent care they gave me while [ continued from page 5 tion which he managed, accord- ing to his thesis, to perform with- in the walls of his own stomach without the aid of a winemaker, a brewmaster or the Amazing Kreskin. Many of the greatest discover- ies in science have been the result of accidents, and Fred's break- through is one more feat of fate. (Remember when Dr. Alexander Fleming ate those moldy Cheese Whiz sandwiches his wife made for him in 1928, inadvertently inventing penicillin and curing thousands of Allied troops of the clap?) You see, Fred was picked up for Driving While Impaired by state police in Virginia but Fred had not been drinking. Not much anyway. According to Fred's research notes on this particular project, although he was legally drunk when pulled over, he had con- sumed only two drinks at the party he had just left...two drinks and a dozen or so sweet pastries and fruit desserts. What took place then, shakes the very footings of the biochemi- cal sciences. According to Fred, this minis- cule amount of alcohol in his stomach (imagine one of those green glass demijohns with Fred's Adam's apple serving as the cork and air-lock), combined chemi- cally with the refined sugar of way-too-many desserts, thus decomposing carbohydrates in the absence of air and producing the fermentational by-products of lac- tic acid and natural alcohol. The acid gave Freed heartburn while the devious alcohol seeped sur- reptitiously through the stomach walls into his bloodstream, caus- ing him to appear drunk, drive erratically and blow lunch into the breathalizer bag. As the result of an overabun- dant dessert trolley, Fred Allen, by no fault of his own, was tumed into a lethal human still. Assuming for a moment Fred's physics are correct, he may be an innocent victim of an overzealous justice system but I'll bet he's still a load to look at. I know what you're thinking - Fred Allen is just another drunk driver who invented some cocka- mamie "human still" story to con- fuse the judge. Well you're wrong. The judge in Chesapeake, Virginia, gave Fred three months in jail. But what if it. worked? Couldn't we all save a few bucks by wolfing down a bunch of gamay grapes, six honey-dip donuts and actually show up at the restaurant with a noble, yet unpretentious bottle of Beaujolais in our tummies? _And just because Fred Allen was imprisoned for his valiant attempt to advance the science of fermentation and biochemistry, it doesn't mean he's not a genius on the cutting edge of physics. I mean for his experiments in microbiology, wasn't France's Louis Pasteur labelled a heretic and harassed by society's fear of the yet undiscovered? Or was that Welland's Louie Ventresca, who's own father turned him into the police for serving homemade wine to his high school fraternity brothers because of which I still get a migraine on the first Tuesday of every month? I just forget. Below are the high- lights of changes to the Unemployment ° Insurance (UI) Act. These changes will affect most claims that start on or after November 18, 1990. father). within the past year to qualify for regular UI benefits. The exact number of weeks you will need and how long you will be able to collect these benefits will depend on the unemployment rate in your area. & Maternity/ Parental benefits Parents may be eligible for 15 weeks of maternity benefits (available to the mother) plus 10 weeks of parental benefits (available to either the mother or the Parental benefits are also available in the case of an Individuals who leave their job without "just cause", are fired for misconduct or refuse a suitable job offer, can be penalized by losing from 7 to 12 weeks of benefits and having the amount of benefits reduced. Important §& Changesto §& Unemployment Insurance = Working after age 65 If you work after age 65, you may now be eligible for UI. This change will be retroactive to September 23, 1988. ee Qualifying adoption. package on for benefits P to Unemployment Leaving After November 18, you will sob Insurance, call need 10-20 weeks of work ajo information For an information | OU0-J03-1033 For more information on your claim, contact your local Canada Employment Centre. the changes Employment and Immigration Canada Emploi et ivi Immigration Canada Canada New Books Schreiber Public Library GST Handbook Elizabeth, Alexander Walker Trudeau and Our Times. Clarkson 1991 Toy Report Flight "from Famine, MacKay The Jeopardy Book, Trebek Through a Window, Goodall The Light Years, Howard Pilgrimage, J.A. Michner Dawn, V.C. Andrews The Shepherd, J. Girzone Vineland, T. Pynchnon Scandalous Risks, Howatch Roses are Difficult Here, Mitchell Longshot, Dick Francis Buffalo Girls, L. McMurtry The Old Man and Mr. Smith, Ustinov Firefly, P. Anthony Lady boss, Jackie Collins The Plains of Passage, Jean Auel Youll Get Your Message Across Much Faster in the Classifieds SOCKS HE REH