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10 NORSHORE SENTINEL Thursday, April 27, 1961 Sugar and Spice By Bill Smiley A MILLION READERS Did you read that big blurb about me in your local paper recently? It got headlines like this, in many weeklies: “Sugar and Spice Columnist Most Widely Read in Canada." That's pretty heady stuff to read about yourself. However, it didn't impress me much, as I had written the story myself. It said in the story that this column is now running in one hundred and eleven newspapers across Canada. Let's have a look at that in round figures. Round figures are the only sort which have any attraction for me, and most red-blooded columnists, except women, feel the same way. Supposing the average circulation of these weeklies is 2,000. That means there are 220,000 subscribers exposed to Sugar and Spice. Heck, let’s make it an even quarter-million. And let's say an average of three persons reads each paper in which the column appears. That's a fair figure. All right. We now have three-quarters of a million potential readers of the column each week. Ah, let's make it a million and be done with it. When I get tossing figures like this around in my head, I start feeling pretty important. By George, I think there aren't many fellows writing a column for which a million or two people are waiting feverishly each week. Just imagine, all those people, from Yarmouth, N.S., to Chilliwack, B.C. fighting to get the .paper first, hanging on every word. With this in mind, I set out to impress the family with the famous personality in its midst. “Do you know that there are a million people reading Sugar and Spice every week?" I ask young Kim. “Pretty good, Dad," she says, “can I go to the Explorers' weiner-roast to-night?" - I try Hugh. “Do you realize that my column is read from coast to coast?" I enquire. “How come we can't afford a TV set then?" he wants to know. Punchy, but still seeking some recognition, I approach the old Girl. “How many papers do you think are running the column now?" “That reminds me, you forgot to put the papers out with the garbage this morning," she says, “and I had to go out in my dressing gown in the snow and I nearly broke my neck on those back steps. When are you going to start looking after things around the house like other men?" I’LL NEVER BE FAMOUS This is rather daunting, but it doesn't completely dismay me. I'm like an old prize-fighter who has been knocked to the canvas so often that his bum is more tender than his beezer. I just wander away mumbling to myself that some day I'll be famous and then they'll appreciate me, by golly, and they'll miss me when I die, and stuff like that. But I must admit I became extremely depressed the other day. I was reading Pierre Berton's column. Berton, for those outside the limited range of the Toronto daily for which he works, is a brilliant product of west coast newspaper circles, currently the hottest daily columnist in the East. Well, in this column I was reading, he was bragging modestly about all the letters he gets from readers. That's what made me feel badly. Give or take a hundred thousand. Berton and. I have the same circulation. His mail averages 30 letters a day. Mine averages 30 a month. And 24 of them are bills, offers from magazines, and final notices about insurance premiums. That convinced me that I'd never be a really famous columnist and I felt pretty sick about it. I thought: “It's because I’m not controversial enough." Oh, I've attacked in my day such things as motherhood, the Protestant churches, capital punishment, children, the home social drinking, temperance, sex and the weather. But I just can't seem to get my teeth into something vital, like used car dealers, or vacuum cleaner salesmen â€" the sort of thing that gets people worked up. WOULDN’T TRADE MAILS Then I began thinking about the sort of letters I do get from readers and I felt better. And do you know something? I'd trade incomes with Pierre Berton, but I wouldn't trade mails. I'll bet most of the letters he gets are either hacking his column to bits because the reader disagrees with him or lauding it to the skies because he agrees. That would become boring after a bit. There's nothing boring about the letters I receive from readers. They are warm and friendly and personal, and they aren't trying to grind an axe or have me grind it for them. They come from all over the country. From Mrs. James Nickerson of West Roxbury, Mass., mentioning a column she liked because it reminded her of old times in Nova Scotia. From Walter Stark of Oxenden, Ont., claiming I'd make a good M.P. and wishing a Happy New Year. From Jack Cooper of Vernon, B.C., saying he'd just celebrated his 69th wedding anniversary, feels great and reads my column because I’m a “dam-good" writer. From Jack Cornet of La Salle, Ont., who I haven’t seen for 15 years, enclosing a book he's written on curling (containing nothing but blank pages and entitled What I Know About Curling). Wouldn’t it be something if every reader of Sugar and Spice decided to show Pierre Berton what he was up against and wrote a letter this week to Bill Smiley, 152 Elizabeth St., Midland, Ont.? I'd take the whole million of them, drive to Toronto in a truck, hire six men to carry them up to Berton's office, dump them on his desk, and say: “Thirty letters a day, eh, Pierre? This is my aver-age weekly mail". That'd shake him. PLAN ONE-WEEK BLITZ FOR OVERTURE CONCERT The Nipigon-Red Rock Overture Concert Association membership drive got under way Tuesday evening with a dinner at the Nipigon Inn. Attending were members of the executive, canvassers and Mrs. Cherry Whitaker, Overture representative from Vancouver. The drive for a 1961-62 series of three concerts began Wednesday and continues till Wednesday May 3 when the campaign will close. It was moved by Association President,. A.S. Kapzeilawa, that memberships will not be available after that date. Campaign Headquarters in Nipigon is at Clarke Motors and in Red Rock at the Recreation Centre. Memberships can be obtained from both headquarters or from Campaign Chairmen Mr. and Mrs. T.A. Walter, Mrs. R.O. Evans, Mrs. A.C. Kapzeilawa; Mrs. Whitaker at the Nipigon Inn or any of the canvassers. BEARDM0RE LEGION PRESENTS HOSPITAL WITH TV SET The regular meeting of the Beardmore Red Cross Society took place on Monday evening, April 24, in the nurses residence at the hospital. The Red Cross Water Safety Program will be offered again this year at Lake Nipigon. Two applications have already been received for the position of instructor. The local Moose Lodge has volunteered to undertake the landscaping of the hospital grounds when the ground dries sufficiently. Announcement was made to the meeting of the possible visit of the Agricultural Representative on May 8. Mr. H. Valkainen now has his hand out of the .cast so will proceed with the laying of tile, window and door repairs, and installation of a new clothesline at the hospital.’ Jerry Poirier, president of the Beardmore-Jellicoe Branch of the Canadian Legion, presented a T.V. set, from the Legion, to the nurses' residence. The gift was accepted by charge nurse, Miss H. Zchokke, on behalf of the Red Cross. MOVIE REVIEW The film playing Thursday and Friday at the Plaza sees Mamie Van Doren playing the part of a head of a science department in a small college. “Sex Kittens Go To College" stars three lovely starlets, Mamie Van Doren, Tuesday Weld and Mijanou Bar-dot, the famous Bridget's sister. For all the Red Skelton fans “Public Pigeon No. 1" will really fill the bill. Co-starring with Red are Janet Blair and Vivian Blaine. The picture plays Saturday, Sunday midnight and Monday. Tuesday and Wednesday sees another English dubbed Italian film. The story is of a worthless young man who works for a detective agency and uses his position to become a blackmailing gigolo among society women. May Britt and Gina Lollobrigida star in the film. CLASSIFIED RATES PHONE 360 FOR AN EXPERIENCED AD TAKER Deadline for classified ads-Monday 5 P.M. Help wanted, for sale, articles wanted, swap, personal, thank you notes and birth announcements. FIRST 25 WORDS: $100 AND H PER WORD FOR THE REMAINDER. Cross Word Puzzle ACROSS 1. Man’s nickname (poss.) 4. Anti-air-craft fire 8. Dish 10. Eagle's nest 12. Girl's name 13. Showers 14. Peruvian mountains 15. Seize 16. Palm lily 17. Fodder vat 19. Music note 20. On the ocean 21. Liberate 23. Resistance forces 26. Seed vessels 27. The Orient 28. Defeat, as a boxer 29. Fuse partly 30. Shifting (abbr.) 32. Come in 35. Fishnet 37. Roman magistrate 38. Mistake 39. Discuss (var.) 40. Yugoslavs 41. Part of a century 42. German article DOWN 1. Hawaii tree 2. Praise 3. Accents 4. North Dakota city 5. Shakespearian king 6. Melody 7. Relatives 8. Township map 9. Less difficult 11. Descried 18. Kind of beer 20. Affix 21. Cherished 22. Road groove 23. Maintenance 24. Midday 25. Lifts 29. Norse god of crops 30. Stuck-up persons 31. Pronoun 33. Weary 34. Girl’s name 36. God of war (Babyl.) cross word answer RELAX- Have a Night out! TUES-WED GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA MAY BRITT THURS & FRI the unfaithfuls RED SKELTON Public Pigeon NO.I JANET BLAIR • VIVIAN BLAINE SAT-SUN MIDNIGHT MON PLAZA THEATRE SATURDAY MATINEE AT 1:30 P.M. NIPIGON, ONTARIO TWO SHOWS EACH NIGHT 7:00 AND 9:00 P.M. SUNDAY MIDNIGHT SHOW -- 12:05 A.M. BINGO EVERY THURSDAY NIGHT