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L Here, then, are the most unique questions asked by tourists, and he answers the staff would like to zive if they weren‘t so fond of regâ€" lular employment. J es, once again, the tourist f season is upon us and straight from Niagara ‘alls â€" Canada‘s premier sightseeâ€" ng attraction; if you don‘t count ‘hat 40â€"foot Ukrainian Easter egg n Vegreville, Alberta â€" come the most asked questions by inquiring ninds in need of a really good C ATâ€"scan. Question: We don‘t have to be ihandxcapped to go through the w heelchair entrance, do we? top off. No sense of reality in MP benefit document * Hesitant because I know that any remarks I write about The Made up of former politicians or by those sympathetic to politiâ€" cians, this commission was estabâ€" lished by active politicians back in January to make recommendaâ€" tions on how to: reform the pay, perks, and pensions of MPs. That‘s a lot like asking former tobacco lobbyists to recommend reforms to our smoking laws! And a big round of applause for he employees of The Table Rock Restaurant who answer each and pvery question with politeness and iplomacy before they go into the Eack and laugh so hard they hurt. _ â€" Dear Sir: The Commission to Review Allowances of Members of Parliament has achieved the impossible. It has managed to make Canadians even more cyniâ€" cal about the political process. It should not surprise anyone then that the Commission‘s recently released report was very kind to MPs. In fact, it even recâ€" ommended that they get a big fat pay raise. The federal governâ€" ment, to its credit, quickly rejectâ€" ed this. ugust 3, 1994 Strange goingsâ€"on in the public education system When the report came to MP pensions, however, it was a comâ€" plete sham. MPs qualify for a 1 question whether we can afford to teach mother macrame while Johnny still can‘t read. â€" Former California Governor Jerry Brown ~COMMENT here is a can before me labeled EDUCATION and I‘m hesitant to take the tourist primer on the wonders of Niagara Falls YOUR INVESTMENT SHOPPERS 5000 NEW STREET (at Appleby Line) BURLINGTON Â¥.1.8. Financial Inc. GIC‘S â€" BANKS TRUST COMPANMIES SURVEYED DAILY *HIGHEST RATES* OVER 350 MUTUAL FUNDS â€" Including Trimark, Mackenzie, Dynamic *BEST PERFORMANCE* LIFE INSURANCE â€" Annuities, Group insurance, Accident Sickness *COMPARE OUR RATES* Talk to George Mancini about early retirement packages severance pay pension windups. 1/2 PRICE PLUS Spring Summer Merchandise Your Investment Shoppers Question: How do I get up to the Table Top Restaurant? Answer: Just use that chair to step up there, but make sure the people are finished eating. Question: Do you rent barrels to go over the Falls? Answer: Here at the restaurant, no. You have to go over to the Daredevil‘s Rentâ€"Oâ€"Ride Booth and ask for Dave Munday. Answer: No, of course not. But if it would make you feel better, it would only take a couple of minâ€" utes for me to hobble you. Question: Do they shut the Falls off completely at night or in the offâ€"season? Answer: At night, we shut them off completely. In the offâ€"season, we freeze them and the San Jose Sharks play their away games on them. Question: Is the mist over the Falls radioactive? State of Education These Days is bound to unleash a blizzard of faxes, letters, telegrams, and Interdepartmental Memo denouncing me as an unlettered lout, an untutored twit, and a gormless boob who doesn‘t know his astrophysics from a hologram in the ground. All true â€" but it‘s never stopped me before. goldâ€"plated, lifetime, inflationâ€" proof pension after only six years in office regardless of age. The Commission recommended an age requirement of 55, but that‘s it. Off with its head then: Is it just me, or are teenage kids today The Commission failed to recâ€" ommend lowering the superâ€"high benefits; it failed to recommend slowing the superâ€"quick accumuâ€" PUD â€"~ 11 Swimsuits I‘IJTEEAUHFUL OUTsSsIDE, _ C ?â€"‘?;\ Answer: No, but on a cloudy day, the rainbow can be nuclear reperishable. Question: Can we hop on the Maid Of The Mist half way through? Answer: Sure. And if you like, I‘ll hold on to your valuables. Question: Do you have to be between six and 12 to go on the Maid Of The Mist? Answer: Yes, but not in years. The rule is you must be between six : and 12 feet in height ofr between six and 12 kilos in weight per person by imperial volume. even blanker than we were? I have no hard and fast empiriâ€" cal evidence for this â€" just the grim news I read in the papers from time to time. lation rate; and it failed to recomâ€" mend scrapping the unlimited inflation protection features of the plan. In short, the MP pension would continue to remain a lavish MP perk and a costly burden for taxâ€" payers. Monday., August 8 Applications for fall employment are now being accepted for the following areas: « Learn To Skate and Preâ€"School Instructors « Dance Instructors Aquatic Instructors Applications are to be delivered to the Town of Oakville, Human Resources Department at 1225 Trafalgar Road, Oakville, or mailed to P. O. Box 310, Oakville, ON L6J 5A6. Applications must be received by August 19, 1994 to be considered for employment. Canadians expect and deserve Special Council Meeting Re: Taxation Matters Council Meeting 7:00 p.m. Council Chambers _ 7:30 p.m. Council Chambers FALL APPLICATION DEADLINE 1225 TRAFALGAR ROAD + OAKVILLE, ONTARIO + L6H 2L1 Question: Where‘s the Mist Of The Mating? Answer: The Maid Of The Mist docks at the foot of the Falls. Most of the mating takes place over on Bridge Street. Question: Does the Whirlpool Aero Car go to Buffalo? Answer: It did last year, but we caught the guy and he‘s behind bars now. Question: Do they speak Spanish to you in the Spanish Aero Car? Answer: If it‘s the Spanish guys that are on duty, then yes they will. If it‘s the Native Indians‘ shift, they speak Aero to you. Question: Where to I get the People Motivator? Answer: I think you want the People Mover over at the Rapids‘ View parking lot. If not, Canadian Tire sells cattle prods. It bothers me to read for examâ€" ple that the West German school year works out to be a full two months longer than ours. And that Japanese and Korean kids spend all day Saturday in the classroom. Meanwhile, a North American third grader will spend 900 hours this year in a classroom â€" and 1,170 hours watching television. Norwegian kids can locate 150 major cities on a World Map â€" in Grade Three. Last week, I met a better. Prime Minister Chretien should quickly introduce real MP pension reform, which would help to restore Canadians‘ respect for their elected representatives. The National Citizens‘ Coalition David Somerville President Question: Do you have to be dressed to eat at the Skylon? Answer: If you‘re having the buffet, we do recommend it. Question: What‘s the best way to get a good feel...for Niagara? Question: What are the "Secret Tunnels"? Answer: Follow that guy in the limeâ€"green pants over to Bridge Street. Answer: It‘s classified inforâ€" mation. I could tell you but then I‘d have to kill you. Question: If you buy a ticket for the boat, do you get to ride on the bus. Answer: Yes. And if you buy a ticket for the Incline Railway, you get to ride in the Niagara Helicopter. You see, everything here is operated by the NDP Government. Question: Do you have any information on the economy? Canadian high school graduate who didn‘t know where Montreal was in relation to Toronto. An American magazine recentâ€" ly published a compilation of colâ€" lege courses _ including: Supervised Reading (Cornell); Surfing (Peppercorn); and Choosing a Life (Northwestern). Then, there‘s the impressions I pick up as I travel across the country. From Comox to Kapuskasing to Come By Chance, I swear keep running into kids whose vocabulary seems to priâ€" marily consist of one adjective (rilly), one conjunction (like), one exclamatory phrase (no way), and the present tense of the verb "to gO‘” So, who‘s fault is it â€" the kids? They don‘t write the curriculum. The teachers? Nope. Canuck teachers are among the most intelligent and dedicated profesâ€" sionals I‘ve ever met. If you plan to seek office in the 1994 Municipal Election, you must register with the Municipal Clerk before you spend or raise any money for campaign activities. This requirement applies to every person who intends to seek elected office as Mayor, Local Councillor, Local and Regional Councillor, School Board Trustee or Hydroâ€"Electric Commissioner. For more information call the Clerk‘s Department at 845â€"6601, extension 3161. So, who then? Preston RUNNING FOR OFFICE? CALL BEFORE YOU CAMPAIGN! Answer: If we did, do you think we‘d actually have to charge you five bucks for a beer? Question: Can we go snorkelâ€" ing in the Whirlpool Rapids? Answer: Yeah, sure. But watch out for people shooting in those Rentâ€"Oâ€"Ride barrels. Question: Isn‘t it against the "Law Of Gravity" for a river to flow south to north? Answer: You‘re right, at least it always has been. But about five years ago, we brought in the Canadian Charter of Rights, put a bunch of marine lawyers on the case and had the "Law» Of Gravity" reversed. Question: Do we have to pay for Jenny? Answer: No, a Jenny goes free every day except Saturday and Sunday. If you have a Randy in your group, the whole damn bunch of you don‘t have to pay. Manning? The Devil? Search me. I‘d write it all off as Old Fogey paranoia except that every once in a while somebody from the other side of the crenellated battlements of Castle Pedagogica lobs a bomb over the wall to land at my feet. Such as this missive entitled History of A Math Problem, which tracks the progress of modâ€" ern thinking in Education: 1960 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. If his cost of production is 4/5 of his selling price, what is his profit? 1990 By cutting down trees for MacMillanâ€"Bloedel, a logger makes $20..If clear cutting is stopped, the logger will lose his job and will probably turn to a life of crime. : 1970 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of his selling price, or, in other words $80. What is his profit? 1980 A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment is to find and underline the number 20. *« Would you help the logger keep his job by letting him cut down the trees on your lawn? Your neighbor‘s lawn? +« How do the squirrels feel about the logger losing his job? *« What do the birds say as a tree is being cut down? The foregoing came to me on official (I won‘t say which) Board of Education _ letterhead. Depressing? Not a bit. If teachers can make fun of the absurdities of modern education, then there‘s hope for us yet.