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Page 4, Terrace Bay-Schreiber News, Wednesday, January 8, 1986 The Terrace Bay-Schreiber News is published every Wednesday by: : Laurentian Publishing Co. Ltd., Box 579, Terrace Bay, Ontario, POT 2Wo0. . Terrace Bay Schreiber Telephone: (807) 825-3747. : EDITOR... Se ree CF ES Re en oS Lae ere Conrad Felber OVER TISING <2 = | 056 tet eo ee Gigi Dequanne Re os es See a ee Gayle Fournier PRODUCTION MANAGER ..............................: '.Mary Melo No room for "vroom" In her weekly '*Bits and Bites" column which appears on page 5 in this week's issue of the News, Helene Ballard wonders why the council of Terrace Bay doesn't do 'something about the noise problem created by snowmobiles in the township, especially at the senior citizen's residence, Birchwood Terrace. A good question, but is there an easy answer? Probably not, but it is clear that something should be done. Although snowmobile owners and drivers certainly have the right to drive their machines where they please, as long as they do it within the law, town residents also have the right to expect some peace and quiet. Perhaps council should consider some sort of noise pollution by-law which woulld prohibit the operation of such vehicles in populated areas after a specific time each night. Those who enjoy snowmobiles may balk at such a suggestion, but sucha law would be for their own good too, as riding around in a snow machince at night is a clear invitation to danger. It is possible that such a law is already on the books. If so, the township should start enforcing it. If, in fact, there is no such regulation, council should at least think about passing one. In Terrace Bay, there just isn't any room for a snowmobile's "'vroom," especially after the ~ lo SAID WE'VE GIVEN AWAY OUR SHORT JAKE-OFF AND LANDING ABILITIES ? sun goes down. Conrad Felber Happy New Year everyone! Around this time of year many newspaper columnists like to publish silly little New Year's resolutions in a feeble attempt to generate a laugh or two for you, the unamused reader. I suppose I could take that route myself, but I've got better fish to fry this week. As a newspaper editor, I am sup- posed to be objective and impartial when it comes to just about any issue you care to name. I try to be as fair and unprejudiced as possible when I write my news stories and features for this publication, but I'm human just like you, with feelings and opinions and beliefs which I like to share with you, in this space. This week is no exception. It is 1986 now, yet like a set of bat- tered suitcases we just can't get rid of, we've carried just about all of our Arthur Black problems from last year into this new year. Only the calendar has changed. But maybe that's not entirely true. The start of a new year brings a chance for people to reflect on what they have done for their fellow man in the past. Therefore, I hope to get at least some of you to realize that you haven't done as much as you think. Maybe, just maybe, I can convince you to turn over a new leaf (I've always thought that was a stupid ex- pression ... oh well) this year. Don't be fooled by those friendly New Year's greetings exchanged by U.S. President Ronald Reagan and What's-His-Name of the Soviet Union. Sure, it may seem like this was the first step towards lasting world peace, but don't you believe it. We are still far, far away from get- ting out from under the threat of nuclear war. But what can you, as one in- dividual, do? Well, not too much, especially up here in the isolated towns of Northwestern Ontario. But there are some things you can do. At the top of this list is a financial con- tribution to the Greenpeace Founda- tion (don't worry, their address will pop up in this week's column eventually). Now, I don't happen to agree with everything this group tries to ac- complish. I think there are far more important things in this world than saving the life of a stupid baby seal (which, if they looked like giant cockroaches, no one would care less). After all, what good will it do to Save The Whales (or whatever) if Reagan and Gorbachev decide to blow us all to kingdom come? Of course, the intentions of Greenpeace are true and worth sup- porting, which is why I urge you do so. Their address for contributions is: Greenpeace Foundation, 2623 West Fourth Avenue, Vancouver, B.C., V6K 9Z9. They even take credit cards! Don't wait for the other guy to pitch in. It is up to all of us to save this miserable little world. After all, as things stand now, we don't have anyplace else to live! Whew. A pretty heavy duty col- umn this week, fans. I'll be back to my usual immature self next week, promise. In the meantime, at least give some thought to what I had to say above. Ah, what would this column be without a personal "'hello" to somebody? Hey, far be it for me to fool with tradition. Therefore, I'd like to extend greetings this week to John and Lise Therrien (and their two ug- ly dogs) of Quebec, as well as the wild and wacky wicket clerks. at the Lasalle Post Office in my home town, Sudbury. Oh, and to Mark, Pete, Terry, and Dave ... this coded message: "Usul no longer needs the weirding module."' Bye! Crime just "In the war on crime, the bad guys are ahead." (Thomas Plate, Crime Pays! 1975.) Well, perhaps Mister Plate is right. Maybe the title of his book is accurate too, more often that not. But not always. Sometimes crime not only does not pay, it makes a complete ass of the would be criminal in the bargain. Ask the two amateur con artists who tried to put the arm on a little old lady in Mansfield,, Ohio last month. They were running the old bunko classic called "The Pigeon Drop."' It works like this: a con goes up to some gullible looking soul with a story about having found some money. The con says he needs help in finding the owner. If the mark helps out, the mark will get to keep some of the found money, but ahh... (slight twirl of mustachios here)... of course the mark won't mind putting up some of his or her own money as a sign of good faith. The so-called found money and the mark's cash are put in two envelopes. One goes to the con, the other to the mark. Actually the con has done a switcheroo, and the mark's envelope is actually full of confetti. By the time the mark cottons on, you-know-who is long gone. At least that's the way it's suppos- ed to work. The two cons in Mansfield, Ohio have to do a little fine tuning on their scam. Oh, they found an easy mark, alright. They even managed to convince her to withdraw $724 of her pension money and put it into an envelope. Then they did a fast shuffle, drove the old dear to her house and took off, chortling under their breath. Until they opened their envelope. They'd got them mixed up. Theirs was full of cutup newspaper, the mark was sitting in her living room wondering why she had her $724 oesn't pay back, plus an extra $1300 she'd never seen before. Mansfield police are looking for the two crooks. But not too hard. Then there's the story of the two grocery store robbers in Compton, Calif. who shoulda stood in bed. They made the heist easily enough, handcuffed a security guard to a sink, got back to the car with more than five and a half grand in store receipts. That's when things began to go awry. First they hit another car. Unfor- tunately, it was one of those cars with the revolving illuminated cherries on top. Belonged to the sherriff of Com- pton, in fact. Panic stricken, the thieves squealed away, did a U-turn, and smashed into the sherriff's car again. One of the the thugs was knocked unconscious, the other escaped by running into a nearby house. A house belonging to a police officer. Authorities say the two have been relieved from the rigors and stress of civilian life and put in a place where they can't harm themselves. But America has no monopoly on luckless lawbreakers. We breed some uncommonly clumsy crooks right here in Canada. The shoplifter in Vancouver, for instance... who needs to clean up his act considerably. He tried to rip off a downtown liquor store by stuffing a bottle of vodka down his pants. He went to the cashier with a single bottle of beer. '*Anything else," asked the cashier. "Nope,"' said the thief, trying to look casual. Which is tough to do when your fly is wide open, and the neck of a twenty-sixer of vodka is hanging out. A jewel thief in Dallas was a little more discreet, but not much luckier. He walked into a jewelry store in Fort Worth last week and asked to look at some diamonds. While the clerk was distracted, the man grabbed a large - stone and walked out the door. When an employee caught up to him, the man held out his hands, let himself be frisked... no diamond. '"'Gee fellas, guess you. made a mistake, eh?"' Unfortunately, the jewel merchants had heard of swallowing. Deep Throat was taken to a hospital, where an X-ray confirmed that he had an uncommonly solid potato lodged in his tum-tum. Fort Worth police have given the man a very potent laxative and are awaiting further developments.